This post will probably not be one of the most popular ones. It may challenge some ideas that are strongly promoted today. But it comes from experience, over 35 years of working with families, from eating distress in our own family, and from decades of running weekly groups for parents and people with lived experience of eating distress/eating disorders.
So yes, this is not theory alone. It is a sharing of what we have repeatedly learned about what helps recovery and what, despite good intentions, often does not.
Of course, everyone is different. And yet, there is far more that applies to the majority of people than we often feel comfortable acknowledging.
One of the most important of these truths is the role of parents. Recovery is frequently misunderstood. It is often framed as changing behaviours, restoring weight, or returning to “normal life.” While these things matter, they are not recovery on their own. Recovery is not about ignoring unhappiness or learning to hide distress more effectively. It is about helping a child or young person become resilient, to trust their body again, to recognise their internal signals, to use their strengths rather than self-destruction, and to learn how to live with emotions instead of fighting them.
That kind of recovery does not happen in isolation.
Research has been telling us this for years. Family-based approaches to eating distress/eating disorders recovery, particularly for children and adolescents, consistently show better outcomes than individual treatment alone. Studies led by Lock, Le Grange, and colleagues have demonstrated that active parental involvement significantly improves recovery rates, reduces relapse, and supports long-term stability. More recent neurobiological research also highlights how a regulated, supportive environment helps the nervous system recover from the chronic threat state that eating distress/eating disorders create.
In simple terms: healing happens in relationships.
And yet, parents are often encouraged subtly or explicitly to step back.
Every ship needs a captain. When a child is struggling with eating distress/eating distress and living at home, the parent is the captain of that ship. Parents need to make decisions, hold boundaries, and most importantly to understand what recovery actually is. If your child already knew what was genuinely helpful for them, they would not be stuck in eating distress.
I am still surprised how often, when I open the door and invite parents to join a session briefly, or simply to ask questions, the response is: “No, they will come on their own.” Recovery is not a fixing process. It is a learning process. And learning rarely happens alone.
I remember clearly how relieved I would have been years ago if someone had taken the time to reassure me, or helped me answer the confusing questions I carried as a parent. Today we have endless information online, but information is not the same as understanding. Google does not replace lived experience, reflection, or guided learning.
This is not a post about blaming parents. It is not about guilt. It is about choice. About understanding what supports recovery and what quietly gets in the way.
When children live at home, parental understanding of recovery is one of the strongest protective factors. Learning the language of self-support and freedom matters deeply. When parents are not fluent in that language, the recovery process often becomes longer, more fragile, and more exhausting for everyone involved.
Over the years, we have worked not only with individuals but with generations. We now often support the children of people who were once our clients. What we see repeatedly is how powerful it is when parents truly understand the recovery process not just intellectually, but emotionally. Parents are often overwhelmed by fear, and understandably so. Fear leads to reaction. Reaction, however, rarely leads to healing.
I say this honestly: I found it easier to be a therapist than to be a supportive parent. But learning the real learning helped me far more than I expected.
Many parents believe the work belongs solely to the child. Others step back in the name of confidentiality. But recovery is not about secrecy. It is about learning, teaching, guiding, and using the deep knowledge you already have of your child. Parents often underestimate how valuable that knowledge is.
Research into attachment and trauma-informed care reinforces this. A parent’s regulated presence, their ability to remain both firm and compassionate, directly supports emotional regulation in the child. This is not about being permissive, nor about control. It is about being loving and steady at the same time a balance that is difficult, but profoundly healing.
Parents often invest enormous energy searching for the “best” centre or the “right” professional. These things can matter. But they are not enough on their own. Parents with deep understanding of recovery can make grounded decisions even when the eating distress/eating disorder is loud and controlling. Recovery is not about being happy all the time, or about being friends. One of the hardest lessons is learning how to hold limits with love. That combination not fear, not force is where change begins.
Our first reaction as parents is usually fear. Fear for our child’s safety, their future, their health. But when we are full of fear, we cannot hear our intuition. And intuition is one of the most important tools parents have. Working with your own fear rather than letting it lead the process can be a powerful place to begin.
I hope this post offers reassurance and confidence to parents. Confidence to invest time in learning. To ask questions. To explore rather than react. To trust that their presence matters more than they have been told.
Recovery is not only your child’s journey. It is a family learning process. And parents play a far more important role than we often allow ourselves to believe.
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