Written by ML
Over the span of our life, each one of our hearts is given not one but several chances … to open, even more graciously and permanently than the most radiant and precious roses.
My eating distress / eating disorder was for me, as it can be for everyone, not the easiest, the most beautiful chance of my life.
Even during my crises, my tortures, my darkest hours, my greatest isolation, my total incomprehension, I was fighting against myself for myself.
My tears had no destination and no source. They were the expression of this inner conflict, this huge contradiction, this eternal imbalance. But I could feel their warmth slowly healing my cheeks. I know this tiny moment of well-being came from inside of me, not from outside. I did not consciously accept it then, but it was like a ray of light caressing me, just as tenderly as the soft hand of a mother.
Still, my mystery lived for nearly five years.
Life at the time seemed experimental, my mind attempting so many different escapes, tasting so many different lives and personalities, accommodating so many different environments, but inside of me I kept being full of emptiness.
Under the layers of pain, plasticity, dependence, fears, coldness, traumas, anger, pride, humanity, I knew the existence of an unknown but true me. I simply and naturally knew, without any convincing effort, that there was a flower lying there, waiting to flourish.
Only when I understood that this self-destructive behaviour would not just fade away one miraculous day. Only when I understood this condition was not dependent on my environment, only when I understood that my eating disorder, had to be faced. I did really begin the journey of my awareness.
And very simply, the more I progressed on this path, the more I felt myself flourishing to the beauty of life.
The smallest details of our existence, that we so often take for granted, just like the wonderful action of breathing, became the basics of my recovery, of my rebirth as a natural human being.
The light penetrating slowly but intensely in myself was made of love, the true one which has all powers and certainly the one to destroy the transparent walls I had built in me.
Love made itself so present, so boundless, so unique, so beautiful, and so much for me! It did not come suddenly. My bowing to the white throne had not ended, but the importance of the ceremony had substantially decreased. My guilty self-destruction was slowly vanishing, simply by accepting it. And one day, I surprised myself feeling my own heart entirely full of love.
With this awareness of love, I was then able to live and love myself. I finally began to feel my own balance within my own self, between my body, my mind, and my spirit.
As a result, I developed love for my body as it was, learning to sense its needs of expression, listening to its own words.
As a result, the confusions and the conflicts within my mind, which used to bring physical pain, slowly gave way to clarity and peace. Learning to accept and welcome every foolish thought, expanding the boundless world of my imagination and creativity.
My spirit saw the light of life. Taking its first steps towards an endless growth, opening my heart to myself always a little more with each new second. Each new beat, listening to the voices within me, to my guides and angels, embracing my past with all my smiles, cherishing the beauty of my eternal present happiness.
Love, life, God became synonymous.
The inner understanding I reached makes me feel every second more intensely, makes me eternally thankful to every person who crossed my destiny for a moment or a lifetime, makes me full of myself and eager to live my dreams.
ML
