Written by Fern
It’s 8pm, currently raining so I decided to have an early night as my partner is gone out to check the cows so as I was lying here all comfy I decided to write to share some of my journey to give some light.
My entire memories going back since I was a child felt tainted with distructive self-loathing thoughts. Even as I recovered I kept that attachment to ED in some form, it was still in part my identity. It took along time for me to truly detach and let it go. It no longer served me and most of all I didn’t want or need that destructive lack of the worth and pain.
When I reflect back ED is no joke. It came everywhere with me, tainted experiences, relationships, jobs, holidays, family etc.. But it also brought me to where I am today which is a strong, independent, content, calm, loving, loyal, trustworthy, caring, emotional, fun woman.
In my deepest part of ED I could never have imagined where I am now but there was also a little part of me that believed life must be more, I have to try, if God exists than there must be more and I am not religious. I look at myself now and I see and feel great strength and pride in who I have become. I talk more, I share more. I have opened up completely to someone who I love and trust and him me. I am not afraid to be vulnerable, silly, to express my worries. I feel for me it’s important to be open honest and true to my partner because it’s who I am. If I have a doubt or worry in life I share with him rather than bottle it, hide it or feel shame. Its normal to feel a range of emotions. What I notice now is even though may feel uncomfortable emotions I don’t cling to them, they are what they are, sometimes they make sense other times not so much because I’m tired or whatever.
The important thing is not to feel ashamed. I’m currently 7 month’s pregnant which is amazing in itself and sometimes it doesn’t feel real and other times it just feels normal. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this. Never believed it possible for me but my body just never let down and I consider myself very very blessed. It’s the first time I’m under hospital pregnancy care and they all know about my history of ED. I own it, it’s made me who I am. I’m very lucky that anyone I’ve encountered nurses doctors etc have all been very positive and expressing how brave and courageous I am. It’s the first time I haven’t felt ashamed nor blame. Everyone has some issue. And I’ve been lucky with the fact any doctor I’ve had has been very encouraging and positive. I have even been referred to a dietician through my pregnancy and I’m just telling you this as it’s a new experience for me away from ED and I was very surprised how positive and practical she is. It’s more about information and support. Not once has she said do this or don’t do that and not one mention of plans or diets. It’s the first time in my life I really connect food with growth development and fuel rather than size. I find it a fascinating experience and it’s also the first time I am embracing all supports without feeling less.
It’s an interesting experience to have a dietician input now and not feel associated with ED nor consider it. And it’s interesting to express worries without feeling less or stupid. Sometimes I find myself laughing at how “grown up I’ve become”. I do consider myself very fortunate and blessed but I also know I’ve had alot of hard times and deserve better. Plus I worked hard to overcome the challenges and obstacles of ED. It’s not been an easy journey but I’m also at a point in my life that now matters and I don’t hold attachment to the past. The last few years have made up for all the horror’s of the past. I’m thankful to myself for where I am now and where my life is going towards. I was a victim for years, a self pitying victim. I am a hero now.. And I like simple things like walking, watching TV, reading, making dinner etc.. I thought for years that I had to be someone I had to excel and all the above were wasting time. An achievement is what you want it to be.. Sitting watching TV doing nothing is an achievement because I’m sitting with myself overcoming that lazy Useless feeling. That’s an achievement. Sitting rather than idly racing round just to feel busy. It’s ok to do nothing, it’s ok to just be.
At the end of the day you’ve no one to answer to only your own soul. I’ve learnt to accept myself, be my own friend, laugh myself. To be content is to feel safe and content in one’s own company but also to want company.
That’s me, l am very happy on my own, I’m content with who I am and enjoy my company but also need others or more importantly want others. I always thought I was a incapable of love or loving myself or others when in fact I had and have alot to give and am the most loving affectionate true person I know.
That’s recovering, that’s real life..
Fern
