Written by Fern
My name is Fern and I can hand on my heart say that January sucked. Let me explain why. I consider myself a person more in touch with who I am, feeling, raw, real. I am not perfect nor do I strive to be anymore. I don’t affiliate any more with the term “eating disorder” but I do affiliate with emotional distress. January was downright lonely, it has been a very difficult month for me and the reason I am writing is to share this with you, share my learning and support anyone else who may be at similar point or will be. I realized that I am comfortable in myself, I am content in my body, I have made huge steps and progress in myself so I am not alone. I like my own company, I am safe in my own company, I am loved in my own company but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. And what I crave sometimes is connection. I have had a few letting go situations since Christmas and even though the situations were mentally and emotionally tough I always believed that they would teach me something. I feel things very deeply and for prolonged time. I noticed about myself that some things affect me little and others I really need to process, I go up and down and back and forth and then suddenly its all all the fog clears. I sometimes I delayed responder and I am ok with that but I am learning each time that what I need is to remind myself of this and that during the process be gentle on myself, and know it passes, that at the end of the day I always know the answer but may need a little time to figure out.
I am at stage in my life where emotional distress has overshadowed my entire life and now I am realising how much a victim role I played in my own head. I am not afraid of this, nor am I angry because now I finally realize it I let it go. I realize the attachement I have placed my value on it without really being aware until recently. So the thing is, that people move on, people move forward and I have remained in part stuck for years. So in a sense that has isolated me without anyone really seeing. So now that I am alive, real, raw I crave connection and January was just one of those times when everyone else has lives and I felt very left out, unlived and scared and also social media has had some negative effects on my, or more I have allowed social media to influence me with the so called “everyone else has a great life syndrome”. Well, I have learnt from my experience I am sure this will come around again and that is ok too. I am moving forward. I am learning and I am wanting more. What has supported me during this time is doing things that I enjoy for myself even if alone. Also having the love of my animals has greatly supported me because I am firm believer that animals really know people and can tell who has a beautiful spirit and I know that mine love and trust me unconditionally so that says a lot about me. I have also being listening to a lot of podcasts, reading and writing at times, even 3 lines. I write things like, 3 thankful things for the day, 3 things I did for my soul, 3 small changes I made today. I also check in with myself, how do I feel at this moment, and how do I want to feel. I used to be afraid of all this but now I embrace and learn from it.
I also realized what is holding me back is shame. If you asked me the question now, “Are you worthy?” I would say yes absolutely. “I am worthy as I am now”. But what I realize is that I carry shame from my childhood up until now. I guess I don’t see my achievements or I don’t want to see them. I don’t see the work I put it, but I realized today why not take a chance and believe in yourself and let go the shame and give yourself credit even if you don’t trust it yet. Because to be honest believed the alternative wont change anything and will feed into my lack of worth and what good or use is that. So slowly I am now working on changing that shame to pride. The thing I realized is that I am afraid to admit I did good, afraid to admit to myself I am actually someone because all the battles I fought were inner, there not materialistic, there not items, money, relationships, children, all the achievements are inner that no one sees so its like I feel I have to justify my achievement’s and always saw them as objects. But I realize that I have overcame a lot in my life and when I look at it there are all small battles, one by one that all added up to who I am now and where I am. So I have spent the past x amount of years fighting for my freedom, so no one know that, who or what have I to prove to anyone, they answer is nothing. And I realize I don’t need to prove it to myself either because myself knows it already its been shouting at me to say STOP, you are more that enough and you have achieved so much. So I let go the shame and I am going to have to remind myself of this every day because I need to reinforce this now, its not like I click a switch and hey presto shame is gone. No, it requires a little work, a little patience, a little believe, a little time, a little compassion and assurance.
I also realise I carry guilt and have not for a long time because I realized a long time ago guilt was of no purpose to me, I carried it around for years but let that one go. So that was nice to realize and also know that I will also let go shame. I don’t give it as much attachment or power. I release it into the universe as it no longer serves me.
So I will leave now, I feel a shift within myself which I need to trust and build upon. But I felt its important to say that everyone in life with or without emotional/eating distress can feel lonely and its not nice no, its not pleasant but somewhere in the world you matter to someone even if you haven’t met them yet. Lonely like any other emotion comes and goes and sometimes it can be intense but the good thing is that it was connection I craved, real connection rather than feeling nothing or fear. And that’s nice for me to feel because it makes me feel warm and know I am alive. So don’t be afraid of feeling lonely, share it…