Written by Una
One of the first phrases I uttered at Marino was ” I am so ashamed”
Self criticism, judging and comparing had reduced me to a despairing cycle of destructive behaviours . Conditioned thoughts emphasised that my behaviours were worse than everyones’ . To top it all I had the ‘added disadvantage’ of having experienced eating distress for half a century. So hope was an unfamiliar emotion. What must people think? Shame was my middle name.
Secrecy , self deceit , and guilt isolated and disconnected me from my true kind Self and from the love of others. Frantic business achieved nothing valuable and prevented me doing what I truly wanted to do.
Conditioned thinking, based on false evidence, promised many exotic things sometime in the future. It never ever delivered. I was caught in a loop of empty promises ,destructive behaviours and misplaced trust.
Hot salty tears are rolling down my face now as I remember and accept, with a yielding into compassion , that beautiful , hurting, aspect of myself. Without it I would not have started my pHD in life .
My professors and mentors are Marino practitioners who know and challenge eating distress . They walk the talk and enjoy a quiet calm pride in who they are…..Free, radiant, beautiful. Enthusiastic, Courageous, aware and wise. They teach truths that dismantle condition.
Hope arose . My hanging head lifted. I dared to dream of a free future . I wanted more than anything to be one of the walking , talking, living , expressive, creative free people. I decided to commit with stubborn determination. I joined the freedom fighters. A growing group of peaceful warriors who dedicate their lives to opening the prison doors from conditioned slavery. All I was asked to do was take small consistent steps. They showed me the way . I did the work- Daily , hourly, every 10minutes. Recovery is life.
Resting in the wisdom of nature I learn to connect to my own inner stillness and trust that I am good enough as part of a vast creation inspired by love.
Shame for having experienced an eating distress is replaced by knowing that I did not choose it , gratitude for my super-sensitivity and delight in knowing that I did choose to recover my true self.
“Gently , steadily and safely is the way to go” Recovery Now.
Una
