Written by Fern
I want to share with you my recent journey and what I have learnt through this process because it’s only by writing it down, sharing it really shows me how life has evolved through recovery, even when sometimes I don’t always see it. Maybe some people won’t identify, but for me I am sharing because it’s raw, I feel vulnerable and I need to look after my soul, and I choose to learn from this. I am not going to get into the how’s, whens and whys just the learning process. So a situation came about recently and escalated last night. So I am going to explain to you the series of events I have gone through. Firstly I was taken aback, followed by a feeling of unsettling, shaken, a bit scared and huge self-doubt. I could immediately sense an overwhelming sense of doubt in myself and I wasn’t sure in that moment what to do, how to handle it. So, I made a decision not to be alone, not to bottle it and asked my mum to call in. I told her the situation, I cried, I shouted and I really and truly felt anger, fear, hurt. I needed to feel less scared, less unsure and I didn’t want to give fuel to the critic in my head, so I reached out. What fascinated me was the fact that some who means nothing to me anymore can say something to me, about me that can make me doubt myself and have huge fears, and doubts. I allowed my thoughts to slip momentarily and I allowed the self-doubt and lack of worth set it. I started to believe what they had said to me, about me. I started to believe yes they are right, I am nothing, I am worthless, I am crazy. I could feel it yet it didn’t sit with me. I was so angry and hurt and confused and scared and really unsure. But I talked it out to my mum and I got so angry because I shouted out “I am not worthless, I deserve better”. I think what struck and in some ways fascinated me was that I could sense that critic, the self-loather, the lack of worth in my head and it’s so easy to give in and believe it. But what does that achieve. I know what that achieves, pain, fear and no life. All based on a conversation with someone insignificant. Why I was upset was because I worked years on myself, recovery and it took one person to say something and I let my guard down. And I was upset because no one tells me I don’t deserve, no one, I spent years telling myself that, well no more, the hurt and the anger I felt. Maybe I needed it, because god dammit I deserve better and no one will ever tell me otherwise and I won’t allow my head to believe I am worthless anymore. I am learning from this and I choose to learn from this.
So here’s what I did to help support myself, and to help ease this process. I heard the critic, the self-doubter, the loather, I think I was angry at myself for attempting to back down so easily and let it in. But the difference now is, I allowed myself feel, all range of emotions, I allowed myself feel angry, feel unsure, feel scared. I got mad, sad, angry, I didn’t try stop anything. I shared. I was unsure. I allowed myself believe the negative, I had to question everything, but I was also strong enough to fight it and stand strong in myself. I allowed myself doubt, I allowed my feel. And that is ok. But I didn’t allow it all to take me over and I didn’t get the stick out to beat myself up. I had to say STOP, I spoke to my mum, I needed some reassurance and I needed to feel from someone that I am a good person. I didn’t beat myself up for not being perfect. I didn’t question this process nor am I now. I am not hard on myself for the doubt, I am not giving in to the critic. I am allowed to doubt, to feel uneasy but the difference is I didn’t hold on to that. I sensed it, heard it and then I made a decision, I choose to believe I am the opposite. I am worthy, I am a good person, I am of value and those who love me really know who I am and those people are the ones who I can believe. I took responsibility for my actions but I can’t change someone else option. And the only opinion that matters of myself is my own. What struck me most is how easy it is for me to not be nice to myself, how that comes first thought, to see the bad points rather than my first thought is I am worthy. But I am not afraid of this anymore, and I am not feeling less or saying I didn’t do it right. So my first thought was doubt, that’s ok I am learning. The important thing is I didn’t choose to believe it completely. I had to write a lot after, my well done list, my thankful list. I invited my friend over. My other friend also messaged me and I told him what had happened and his words meant more to me because he cares and he know me. He said the following “there is nothing wrong with who or how you are, and don’t ever let anyone else let you think otherwise, you’re a great person with great values and don’t ever forget that, don’t be leaving small minded people bring you down like that, you’re a great person”.. That meant more to me, I didn’t question that at all. I opened my heart to him as he is a great friend of mine and I was doubtful and when he messaged me those words, I believed them. Because I value him and he knows me. And it was great feeling to read those words and to not feel doubt.
So in short now, I need to boost my soul, my mind and mind myself because yes it is easy to allow negativity to flow in and believe the critic. It takes great strength and courage to choose recovery in a sense, to choose the good. I am sensitive. I have to work on myself, it’s easy to allow the doubt it. Self-care is very important at the moment and to go easy on myself as there are so many factors against me at the moment but I am also seeing how strong I am and giving myself credit because yes I am not so sure all the time. I have to choose to work on seeing myself as worthy and valuable, I am not ashamed to say that. Its ok. I don’t always believe I have achievements, I am worthy but rather than fear it and run from it, I don’t question it, if I sense it, I have to say STOP and feed my soul, acknowledge my strengths. Even if it’s just writing what I did well today, that matters.
So I will end now by say “I am strong, I am brave and I deserve better”.
Acknowledged as true which I am not comfortable about but some things just aren’t too and are hurtful and I have felt quiet vulnerable. Last night after a conversation I could sense all
Fern
