Written by Sofi G
This week has really highlighted the fact that recovery is not a linear process. I had a session that stirred the pot a little bit for me and in the aftermath. I was so emotional and not wanting to face anything or deal with what was coming up. I felt unenergetic and unmotivated. But slowly and surely things started to get lighter and it was only today when I stopped to check in with myself that I realized: “wow, I am feeling great” and the gratitude I felt for that was so strong and I probably appreciated it more given the challenging few days I had previously.
It is amazing to look at my journals and think back and realise the cyclical nature of life. I no longer ‘dread’ the lower moments and I’m getting more curious about them which really helps me embrace them as positive steps in getting to know myself better. I think I am getting a bit less fearful of these moments and I no longer judge days of crying or anger, I think they are a valuable part of the process.
I know from experience it is so easy to blame others and project inner experiences on the outside world and funny enough this challenging session kind of shook me out of that and reminded me of the opportunity I have to focus on myself and develop my values and my relationship with my own humanity.
This week something kept coming up for me and I finally felt ready to look inward and get curious about it: other people’s expectations.
I have been aware of them for a good while and they have caused me some frustration as I wanted to ignore them but felt like they were the invisible hand guiding me along as I overcompensated and put others’ needs ahead of my own. Taking the time today to reflect on this gave me the opportunity to realize a few things:
There is no point in putting others on pedestals
No matter who they are, everyone has their own views and opinions, and it can sometimes seem easier to concede to them but ultimately no one has the answers for me. I can no longer afford to give other people’s opinions more weight than my own as the cost to my own integrity and happiness is too great.
It can feel a bit disheartening when I am so passionately for something and people on my team maybe aren’t fully supportive of this but I have realized I won’t be happy if I allow other people’s concerns to make my decisions for me. Admitting this to myself has been a long time coming and while it’s not MY ideal situation, I have taken MY power back as I have chosen to embrace my own self-knowledge and support my own decision regardless of whether or not people approve.
This week has been a real lesson for me as it has shown me that while the challenging times can sometimes be so intense and feel so painful, they always lead to a new understanding and help shape a freer future. I feel so brave to have faced a fear that I have allowed influence me for a long time. I think choosing to accept my humanity in the situation and not beat myself up about it has given me the support I really need, my own.
It won’t be the last time it comes up for me but going forward I can find strength in my own wisdom and choose trust over fear.