Written by Perfectly Flawed
A few nuggets that the recovery journey is giving to me:
Ability to cry /FEEL!! Who knew crying could be so therapeutic! Sad tears, happy tears, yes I still feel a little cringey when they do come but keeping them at bay/suppressing seems so unnatural. Probably my favourite thing about crying is how good you feel after. Dissapointment/deflated – felt that a bit this week too, felt it, moved on and life went on.
Shed a light on how judgy I can be! Previously a self proclaimed ‘non-judgemental’ person! But truthfully when I judged/critiqued everything I did/didn’t do, it’s hard not to view others through the same distorted lens. When you start being a bit nicer/accepting of yourself, life becomes a whole lot easier.
All the things that people frequently said make sense, whereas in the past they were met with a sigh and an eye roll:
‘Most people are just figuring it out as they go along and doing their best’ (older brother who I assumed would have something more insightful to say). Not exactly reassuring, that’s great no one has a clue what they are doing.
‘Everyone’s got something’ (long suffering mother). Great so everyone has problems and that’s meant to make me feel better?? Fantastic.
‘Life is short’ (clueless Dad). No s**t, tell me something that I don’t know and FYI I don’t really care and I’m also not enjoying it all that much anyway.
Lightbulb moment: They were right!! Life is short and it’s not always easy. It’s full of ups and downs but undoubtedly easier when you aren’t on the endless merry go around that is ED. That once so helpful coping mechanism/friend sure makes life very serious and sucks the pleasure out of the highs and just adds another layer to the lows.
Behaviours serve/served a purpose. It’s quite nice in the midst/or after a not so comfortable feeling to know that I haven’t resorted or considered ED behaviours. When I’m feeling rational and experiencing clarity of thought, I can’t really phantom why I would resort to such behaviours. But when ED does pull that rug from under my feet every so often, it doesn’t mean I’m back to square one. A little detour to be met with compassion, less judgement and some positive self talk (see above, people aren’t perfect, recovery won’t be perfect/linear).
Decision making: usually met with constant back and forth, weighing up the pros/cons. Will I go home this weekend, will I go out, what will I get for my shopping, will I go to a class/group?? Maybe il get someone else’s view, what would you do if you were me?? #drained. What I’m learning: there’s usually no right /wrong decision (perhaps a bit like how’s there’s no really ‘good’ or ‘bad’ food). Make the decision, take responsibility and go with the flow a bit. It will probably work out fine and life will go on. Quick sense check – is this a decision made out of fear or love.
I’m also learning that I don’t need to justify my actions/decisions when I’m accepting of myself. I don’t need to make a self-deprecating comment when my decision is not with the majority. i.e if I choose not to go out I don’t need to caveat that with ‘I’m such a GRANNY’!! Seriously I’m actually minus craic and don’t really know why you are friends with me’. F off conditioned voice. Full stop.
Thoughts are not facts, they are literally just thoughts.
Feelings pass – feel it and then let it go/let it leave your body. ‘This too will pass’.
Present moment, present moment, present moment.
No judgement for my ability to be quite the pain in the ass when in the depths of condition!!
A good sleep, laugh and fresh air cure most things.