Written by Emer
This week I have read through posts and encountered experiences which have reaffirmed why we have to recover. I use the words ‘ have to’ because when I witness the life destroying, slow suicide actions of condition, it raises such fire in my belly that I want to scream, ‘ You have to recover’.
You, as you read this, are the most beautiful, talented, unique human being with so much to give to this life, with so much to experience, to live for, to do. Why, oh why, stay in condition? Yes you may argue ‘because I deserve it’, ‘I’m scared’, ‘I feel like this / that’. Yes I understand that, I empathise with that. I was there too. I hated myself, I felt I deserved all of the disgusting abuse I inflicted upon myself, but equally deep down I felt that I deserved better, I deserved more.
Dancing with the condition, entertaining the bullshit, playing with it, dipping in and dipping out, is still allowing condition to dictate and control your life. What’s to gain from condition? – intense loneliness, emptiness, blackness, an empty, hollow feeling which nothing or no one can ever fill, a confusion, a hatred so intense that it gives the condition its daily fuel. You do nothing only shrink your life.
But equally that’s not who you are, nor is what you deserve.
We deserve freedom. No matter what condition tells you, you deserve to be free, you deserve it because you are a gorgeous and good human being, with so much to give to this world. You have to be free. What’s the other choice?
I know it’s hard, I know it’s tough, I know it’s a struggle. I know it because I was there. But I know what it’s like to live with condition and also what it is like to be free and I would choose freedom every time. Freedom takes work, it involves challenging yourself, and more so, challenging the condition.
‘But how, how do I do it’? Simple: by facing it every day and doing what’s asked of you. Yes, you can say ‘Oh, I can’t’ or ‘not today’, or ‘I don’t feel like it’, but at the end of the day it’s you that’s losing out. You have one life, now is the time! There is never any good day but instead every day is the day. For every nourishment, behaviour, feeling, thought, just do it. You’ve got to be there for yourself. You just have to understand why you are doing this, why freedom is so important. The phrase ‘Life is not a dress rehearsal’ is so true. You’re not going get this chance again. Not one of your therapists, care workers, carers or supporters is trying to steer you wrong. We are here to help; to motivate, encourage and help you realise all there is to live for. We are here for you, but not the condition. We are never challenging you, but rather the condition. We never worry about condition but we worry about you. We love you but not condition. We want you to be free.
I hear you say: ‘But how do you do it?’
You just do it. No excuses. This is it. Whatever tool, thought, technique you think is going to work for you, use it. Whatever nourishment you need to take, you do it. You do whatever you think is going to make the process easier. You do it because, what’s the alternative? – Condition, emptiness, coldness, death. That’s the alternative. It’s that simple.
Trust. Trust the process. Trust what you are being told to do. Trust you will recover and trust that you want to recover. Yes, everyday there can be something new that challenges you, but you will get through it. You are stronger than you will ever know. You have every single solution inside of you so tap into it and use it. This condition is an absolute killer; there is no other way to describe it. But Freedom, gosh freedom is Life. It’s breath-taking, it fills your lungs with fresh clean air. It’s so satisfying, so filled with contentment, so reassuringly gorgeous. The best thing of all is the sense of connection you have with yourself. You live in total sync with yourself, and that’s incredible. You are there for yourself. You are happy in yourself. You are happy and in tune with your body. I never thought that possible. But it’s true. I am so happy with the person I am, the life I lead, the experiences of daily living.
I often think if I saw myself way back when, knowing now what freedom is like, what would I tell my past self? I would say ‘recover’. I would say, ‘just put the head down and try your best, pick out every tool, thought, action that you think will work to help you overcome this condition’. Trust and reassure yourself, be gentle and soft with yourself. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s worth it. You can do it and by God is it worth it. You can do it so please, please Recover!!
I tell you as I sit here writing this on a Friday night, with hubby watching the golf. Freedom, recovery, the journey, the challenges, the ups and downs, the tears, confusion, tiredness, fear, anxiety, stress, determination, motivation – it’s all worth it, because freedom is just so amazing in the small things you get to experience, feel, witness. Life is good. Life is worth it. You are worth it. Recovery is worth it. So please, please recover.