Written by Fern
Its not meant to be easy, its meant to be beautiful
The other day I was telling my boyfriend about something within me that is concerning /challenging me, my FEARS which I had never shared with anyone before. I needed to be real, open and I shared with him some private things, my vulnerability I guess. Funny I wasn’t afraid to share as much as I thought. I have shared very little with anyone around me in all the many years of recovery because of shame and guilt. Anyhow he listened to me, allowed me to share and then took my hand, smiled and said “its not meant to be easy, but its meant to be beautiful”. Let me put this into context so you don’t get the wrong idea because I don’t mean beautiful in the vanity form. Basically I was opening my heart to him, exposing my heart, I needed to share and asked him to let me speak without interruption, judgement or questioning. He listened, then held my hand and said those words. He told me he admires me and is learning so much from me about himself and about appreciation of life. I was slightly taken aback actually. But what I choose to take from what he said was that, Its ok, I am ok, actually I am more than ok, that life’s not meant to be perfect, but the process can be beautiful, its how you choose to put your energy towards. It was like he was saying to me not to be so harsh on myself for feeling worried or scared that we can work through those things because it’s the journey which is the important part. Those words he said to me were worth more than gold because he accepted me for me insecurities and all. His words meant to me that its ok to have challenges, it doesn’t mean your any less. The reason I share this with you is because I feel it is powerful words and important to realise that its ok to not be ok, its ok to be upset, to be confused, to be annoyed, anxious etc. Its ok just not to know, it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change you or mean your any less for it. By showing my true self, my vulnerable side it in fact freed me more allowing me to truly accept parts of me that I am not always confident in. Rather than question or analyse it I realised now that what’s important is what I do with that information, what I learn from it. I look at my current FEARS and what helps me is to see the progress I have made in my life already and all the FEARS I have overcome. I don’t feel FEAR a huge deal, I don’t give it power because I recognise it and I know it’s not real, but it’s just something in myself which is the next chapter to evolve. I embrace it now, because I am alive, I feel, I am connected and it allows me the opportunity to further discover who I am. At the end of the day what is the worst that can happen. And I can cope with whatever comes my way.
It’s important for me to clarify here that I am not in early stage recovery but have come along a very long path of self-growth and evolving. As someone who has gone through a lot I would be selective as to whom I share things with until the time is right in yourself. I have hidden my whole life because of shame of my past and its only now many years later I am now opening up with pride and the intensity I thought it had is actually much less. I don’t need anyone’s approval or acceptance only my own.
Recovery I would describe for myself as a life long journey that is in stages every evolving. With less and more intensity of different areas to work on. I would describe recovery as finding the soulmate within oneself. Learning who I am, finding my own voice, my likes, dislikes, wants, needs, desires. Discovering that not everything needs to be ok, that you can handle any emotion, situation, person because you have a deep sense of self to help guide you. That FEARS are not powerful but rather embraced.
Recovery means so many things to different people. What it meant in the beginning of my journey has evolved and shaped as time went on. I know in early stage recovery it’s difficult to comprehend what I am writing and in fact you may think it’s a whole load of nonsense. I guess the fact is that I have been where you may be and so have many others. So I guess what I am trying to say here is that you may have fears, worries, doubts, its ok, they will pass. Life is a book full of chapters, some are longer than others, some are dramatic, some romantic, some scary, some emotional. It’s a book, a book as long as you want it to be and anytime you want to write a new chapter you can add on. There is no end to my book, there is always another series. The book isn’t for everyone and that’s ok too. My book isn’t perfect in fact it has many imperfections but that’s what makes it what it is. As my boyfriend said “its not meant to be easy, its meant to be beautiful”.