Written by Nicky
A poem Inspired by this wonderful quote…
“The real voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes”
I used to walk around all day, full of worry and full of fear,
And I travelled many places, some far away and some quite near.
So many wonderful places that I went to visit and to see,
But it always seemed that enjoying them was out of reach for me.
For me, there was a heaviness, that weighed upon my head,
A weight that I always carried, that felt heavier than lead.
And it prevented me from taking part, kept me sitting on the hedge,
And the longer that it continued on, I felt pushed closer to the edge.
You see, my mind was full of thoughts, that always came and went so fast,
Worries about the future or fears about the past.
And the thinking made my head feel sore and made it hard for me to see,
All the wonderful sights and beautiful things that were right there in front of me.
The colours seemed so muted and the world seemed rather dull,
And its like my eyes stopped working because my head was always full.
And I never really got to see what was right within my view,
I was on the outside looking in, no matter what I would try to do.
But then I chose recovery and it all began to change,
Its like the colours of this beautiful world began to come within my range.
And the more and more I moved ahead the world looked so beautiful and bright,
So many amazing things to see and loads of colours and so much light.
Sometimes it feels like I’m in Disneyland, when I see the colours of the sky,
And sometimes I feel I am dreaming, as I watch a boat sail by.
And its like I got the leading role and that I finally got the part,
And it makes me feel all fuzzy and warm, somewhere deep within my heart.
And the heaviness, that once was there has finally said goodbye,
And sometimes I feel so light and free that I think that I could fly.
And the energy flows all through my bones from my head down to my toes,
And I even feel it in my ears and in my fingers and in my nose!
And now, I feel a deep connection, to this world in which I dwell,
And I notice all the sounds around, every sight and every smell.
And I often notice a thought creep in as I rest on a bench or on a wall,
“If I hadn’t chose recovery I couldn’t have felt this way at all!”
And then I’m filled with gratitude for all the new things I can see,
And for the little steps I took each day so that I could learn to sit and be.
And I even feel a little lucky, that Condition came along to stay,
As I am not sure if I would appreciate it at all, if it had been another way.
So I guess I wrote this poem today so that I may never forget,
The way I used to see the world so dark and dreary and wet.
And so that I will cherish my new eyes and all the joy they give to me,
And how my ED and my recovery has made it possible for me to see!
And I’d like to say to you out there, who wonders if recovery is for you,
That I would be happy if my little poem could offer some hope and guidance too.
I would hope that this poem I wrote, will make it easier for you to see,
That if it’s possible for Nicky, then I guess it could be possible for me!
So if you take it step by step the world can seem much brighter,
Just take it slowly, enjoy it all and things will get much lighter.
Value the free moments when they come and soon you will feel the highs,
That come with experiencing our wonderful world through the lens of your new eyes!
By Nicky x
There are so many benefits to choosing Recovery! Almost every moment in my day is easier now and my New Eyes help me to see so many things in so many different ways. But I think that my new found ability to connect to nature and this world is probably my favourite one! The overwhelming feeling that seems to take over my body, when I feel true connection, is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt in my life! And I wish that everybody could feel it!! It is so difficult to describe the feeling but I’ll do my best and tell you a little story of a recent event when the magical deep connection happened for me..…
Last week, I decided to go to Howth for a sunset walk with my daughter. I have been there so many times before but this time it all seemed so different! We arrived and got some ice-cream and afterwards began our walk along the pier. The sun was going down and as I looked around, I was suddenly overcome with the warmest most magical feeling that seemed to come from somewhere deep within me! It began in my heart and just flowed through every inch of my body!! I looked around and in that moment I felt like I had been suddenly transported into some magical land far, far away! I felt like I was floating on a fluffy cloud! The sounds were so vivid! The colours were so vibrant! Pinks and blues and golds and yellows and host of other colours surrounded me! A busker played music and some people laughed in the distance! The sea was crashing against the rocks just below me! And there I was in the middle of it all! This time there was no looking in from the outside for Nicky!! The feeling, quite literally, took my breath away! It consumed every part of me! I thought about pinching myself, just to see was I still alive but I didn’t want the feeling to go away, so instead, I leaned into it all and allowed myself to just be there! No doubts! No suspicion! No judgement! I chose to just surrender to that moment! And it was simply fabulous and wonderful and so very, very special!
I often remember the earlier days of my recovery journey and thinking back I am not sure I would have believed the person that told me that feeling like this, ever, was actually possible! In fact, I probably would have thought they were crazy, if I’m honest! I wouldn’t have understood it or have had any comprehension of what they were trying to say!! But low and behold, here I am today, writing a blog about it myself desperately trying to explain it all and to help the world to see and understand how different it all can be when a person chooses Recovery over ED!! Just how different it can be when a person chooses to practice connection and peace over the fear and negativity!
On a side note, although I have been able to experience these deep connections for a while now, I used to think that, I should feel this way every moment of every day or else I hadn’t quite mastered this whole recovery thing or that somehow I was doing it wrong! But now I see that it is the ability to be able to feel that free at all, for any length of time is the success! As, I suppose, let’s face it, regardless of how recovered I am, I’m not sure I will every feel quite so warm and fuzzy inside when scrubbing the toilets or mopping the floor!!! And that’s ok! I’ll just use the memory to help me do the other less magical stuff and look forward to the warm and fuzziness when it comes!
I was going to include a list of my Top Tips for Feeling Warm and Fuzzy at the end of this blog but I think I have said enough for today! Ill save that for another blog…
So, I hope you enjoyed my poem and my little story!
I hope it helps you see, a little more clearly, the magic that can happen, when you keep going on the journey!
And most of all I hope that I continue to find that warm and fuzzy feeling as often as I can!
Despite the ups and downs along the way, it is in these moments of magic, that I truly know how far I have come and how different it is for me now!!
And I am so grateful for it all!