Written by Rachel
Looking for Lightness
In condition, I have always been afraid of change and I always resisted it and would spiral in an attempt to change it until I had absolutely no choice but to accept it. Even coming out of condition, change still feels very uncomfortable and it can be paralysing if I fight it but, I’ve been making an effort to practice noticing the positive side to change and it’s helping me to feel lighter.
The first time I noticed how quickly things can change was this winter when the sun was rising later and setting earlier. I always knew that this happened but this is the first year I’ve actually noticed it because I’ve been appreciating and taking photos of the sunrises and sunsets and everything in-between. I usually wake up around golden hour and get to watch the sunrise on my way to work but that day, I got up, got dressed and went to do my usual opening of the curtains and looking at the pretty sky. I almost got a fright because I ripped open the curtain and it was pitch black, just my own reflection in the window. Terrifying…right? Although my pretty sunrises don’t align as much with my schedule anymore and I now find myself going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark but I’ve started to take photos using more shadows instead and I am practicing seeing beauty in everything… Even the rain and wind when I’m stuck in it… I’m also getting excited for the day the sunrises do align with my schedule and I can bask in their glory again.
On that particular morning walking to the bus stop I chose to be present and enjoy the walk and not get hung up on the long day ahead because it will be broken into sections and like everything, it shall pass and there may even be some nice surprises throughout the day. I walked a little slower when walking by the sunflowers that I love to look at (they’re now half dead but still are beautiful). When I was looking in the apartment window by the church I stopped to see if I could spot the grumpiest faced cat I have ever seen, the first time I saw him I laughed out loud in his face cause I was taken a back by how funny he looked. I then smiled and walked by an elderly lady who I regularly see since lockdown walking early in the morning to avoid the busier times….this is when my mind began to wander….Small drops of dread began to seep in and sadness for how the world and how my family and I am hurting and the next ten minutes blurred until I was quickly snapped out of it when the cheeriest bus driver said “Howiyih love” with a big smile on his face. That’s what prompted this blog post. I had purposely been practicing being in the present moment that morning and being aware of my thoughts and if I realised that if I wasn’t practicing it, I could have got lost in doom and gloom for the next few hours or days without even noticing until it was too late and I felt upset for “no reason”.
When I got off the bus and turned around and said thank you, the bus driver shouted back “See ya love, have a good day” with a big wave. He’d probably think I was mad if he knew his hello made me want to write a blog post but it actually made my day.
I think my biggest learning from this was how even strangers or tiny gestures can make your day, if you’re looking for it. It also made me think, when I teach I want to spread those little moments of joy to my kids whenever I can and if I do that even once a year to one kid then that’s more than good enough. When I’m in the my other job if I can brighten up one person’s day by listening or smiling with my eyes underneath the mask then that’s a good days work too. It’s not always possible but it’s something that I’m glad I’m aware of.
Today I take off the pressure, I take off the doom and gloom and I appreciate the small things and beautiful things because today might feel darker but so much can change in a week, day, minute of second and learning can be seen in everything, if you’re looking for them.