Written by Fern
I write this post to share, to get my thoughts out and really to be not so alone. I am at a crossroads.
My journey to recovery started some time ago and I know I have made huge steps in myself most I take for granted now and am sometimes having to stop myself to remind myself of the little things. Thing is I am at this place in my life where I feel, lost, just getting by. Its not all recovery related, I mean in myself, my life. I realised something recently, I have never actually said to myself I am recovering from ED because I never felt good enough to and didn’t quiet understand. In some ways I normalised myself. I changed my needs many times through the years and there are so many times I listen to myself. I never thought I’d say this now but I am pulled with anxiety over food, exercise. And at the moment I am challenging both but I am very alone. I don’t have someone to go to, to share my struggles, to just hug and say it will be OK.
I believe in recovery but I can relate it to me. I guess what I see is I don’t feel I’ve emotional support, I feel a bit invisible. My journey, my path is alone. Its not easy sometimes. I sometimes feel I’ve an inate part of me preventing me from being happier, freer.
Now I do have good things in my life but this post isn’t about all that its just a bout me being real, raw, afraid of not moving forward. Condition thoughts are normal but I see they aren’t good for me. I loved one area of movement but lately its the opposite, I’m exhausted, I am sore, my body won’t respond and I’ve always said if it becomes a task I’m done. Everyone is pushing me in the direction if continuing because I am good and I am fast but thing is I do value my health and if I am not enjoying then what’s the point. But its hard cause I realized it’s a big part of my identity now and I am choosing to opt out, challenging it and its hard. I am not kind to myself at the moment but its almost normalised now. I now see thoughts related to fears around food etc. I don’t feel fun.
Now STOP this isn’t a poor me negative post, its just a raw real woman asking if others can relate. What helped them? I don’t believe I am worthy or “sick” enough in some ways for help but I am human and its support I would like, some guidance.
So today I sit hear and say to myself “I am OK”. I suppose I have to believe that this is all part of recovery and something that is my challenge. Its difficult not to personalise it. I am sharing because somewhere within me others must feel similar and it’s something lacking understanding because I am not depressed. I know I am strong.