Written by Aoife
Freedom from an Eating Distress/Disorder is just around the corner
During recovery group on Tuesday evening I had the most magical realisation…. perhaps I am almost Free. The thought that Freedom is just around the corner is very Freeing in itself. I instantly feel lighter & hopeful – just the lift I need right now!
However, Condition has been resisting this for some time (she is very clingy & doesn’t want to be left alone) and sabotaging my progress. Already I experience many moments in my day that are Freedom Orientated but it has taken me a while to appreciate and value this as the Hardship has been busy judging any little slip I make:
- You ate extra there Aoife- if you were free you wouldn’t do that!
- You can’t control yourself!
- Why can’t you just get it right!?
- Your body has changed Aoife – I thought you were passed that fluctuating stage!
- Looks like you are not as Recovered as you thought you were!
- Your body has constantly gotten bigger since you started recovering – is it really worth it?
- Your body isn’t good enough! Look at those other women who have had babies & how amazing they look compared to you!
- Your efforts are not good enough!
- You need me Aoife- you cannot be trusted on your own! You will lose the run of yourself!
- Would Jacqueline/ Marie/ Andrea do that – I bet not!
- Why are you STILL behaving like this or thinking like this?
When I write these comments down & voice then I find it very upsetting that I can speak to myself so harshly. Imagine being in a relationship with someone like this- I would be out the door! I wouldn’t let someone else treat me this way, so why put up with it from my old friend ED?
On a side note, I recently had an eye test and found out that my vision has regressed (had laser surgery only 7 years ago). I was a little surprised to be picking out glasses and talking prescriptions again. Did I berate myself for this- absolutely not! That would make no sense but it got me thinking about my reaction and attitude towards changes in my body/size. Automatically I am very quick to blame and judge myself! (If I was Free from ED my body wouldn’t change & I would be down with all that).
This got me thinking about my expectations of Freedom….
When I started out on this wonderful journey I was focused on the definition of Recovery from an Eating Distress & what I wanted to achieve (stop obsessing over food/ diets/ size/ exercising etc). When I reflect now it’s almost impossible to relate to the old Conditioned Aoife as I have changed so much in a positive and helpful way. But I tend to dismiss how far I have come & take all my progress for granted.
Freedom always seemed so far away, so unattainable & vague. I didn’t really define it or think about what it would look like for me. But when I think about this NOW I realise that many hours in my Day are Freedom Orientated- when I am doing daily simple tasks or spending time with my son.
Being Free doesn’t mean that I have a “perfect” life without challenges, upset, worries and frustrations- this is all part of being a Human Being. Freedom means living my life on my terms, owning my choices and not judging myself for human experiences!
Freedom is Mastering Self Care & leaving behind old destructive ways. I am ready to leave ED behind and I am ready to trust myself to take this leap forward & immerse myself in Freedom.
I don’t need a bully following me around & judging my every move. I value myself now, I value my body, I value my health, I value my calmness, I value my relationships, I value my life and I deserve better.