Written by ‘N’
Alone In The Kitchen
I stand there alone, in the kitchen.
It is time to eat.
I stand in the usual spot and begin the usual routine.
The same routine I have known for such a long time.
All is ready.
Everything is exactly where it should be.
Everything is as exactly as it should be.
I begin doing the same thing I always do, at the same time, in the same place, in the same order, in the same way.
But this time something different happens…….
I stop for a moment.
I notice the thoughts.
An internal conversation begins…..
A voice says…
“You don’t need to do this!”
“I know I don’t!”,I reply.
“It doesn’t make sense!”
“I know”, is my answer.
“What is the point?!”
“I don’t think there is a point anymore!”
“Is it really necessary?”
“No. I suppose not!”
“Is this what you really want?”
I hesitate and answer….
“No I don’t think it is anymore!”
I notice something else then.
I notice a strong feeling inside.
It feels like I have a choice.
It feels like there is an opportunity.
It feels like I could just choose to do it a different way.
I take a deep breath.
I am torn.
Which choice will I make?
Which way will I go?
I am confused.
I am not sure what to do.
I take myself out of my head.
I am again alone, in the kitchen.
Standing in the usual spot.
I look at the familiar scene in front of me.
Everything is still exactly where it should be.
Everything is still exactly as it should be.
I am still confused.
Something so familiar seems so strange to me now.
It seems so pointless!
I know I don’t want this!
I know it doesn’t serve me anymore!
I know it is unnecessary!
I know I deserve more!
I know what I want now!
And I know it is not this!
I carry on with the familiar ritual anyway…..!
And now as I sit here…..
I feel sad.
I feel angry.
And I feel defeated.
I feel like I made the wrong decision.
I feel like I let a big opportunity pass me by.
I notice these feelings.
I know they are unhelpful.
I know I don’t want to feel this way!
I will choose to drop the judgement.
I will choose to have compassion.
I will choose to reassure myself.
I will choose to change the story in my head.
I will ask myself a question.
I will ask myself what I learned, earlier, as I stood alone in the kitchen!
And now I tell myself that……
I will be brave enough make a different choice.
I will be brave enough to take that opportunity.
I will be brave enough to do it a different way.
I will be brave enough to continue to do all these things again and again until….
The day that I am free!