Written by N
So this week it was mentioned to me that maybe I could open up the “Body Workbook” and look at it again! To be honest when this was suggested I instantly noticed how I could think of 100 other things I would rather do than that!! But as I have been learning, it is often when I notice myself trying to avoid something, that it is probably going to end up being beneficial to me in the end! So I chose to be open to the topic and to give it a try!
The first thing I noticed when I clicked on the “Body Workbook” link, is that I really did not want to read it or to even think about any of the stuff in it! I felt uncomfortable and distracted! But I persevered and read it all from start to finish! I gave myself credit for sticking with it and promised myself that I would revisit it and study it in more detail another day this week. And today is the day! I completed one of the little exercises in the workbook I decided that maybe I could take the process a little bit further…I thought maybe I could write a blog and share it with other people! It is not something I am really comfortable with, writing about this whole “body” topic! I am not comfortable even thinking about it never mind sharing it with the world! But regardless, here it is…..
There are 3 questions I chose to reflect on and answer.
If my body could talk what would it say to me?
I am grateful for all of the changes you have been making in recent months. You have started to listen to me and to nourish me each day! I now rarely need to wait and wonder if you will eat regularly or eat enough! It makes me happy that you have made these changes for me!
It also makes me so happy that you seem to find it easier to recognise my messages! I am grateful that you have been practicing learning to rest! Without rest I find it hard to supply you with energy and to help you feel content and at peace! No matter how hard I tried after the overthinking and the analysing there just wasn’t enough energy to go around! And you were exhausted all the time! More sleep and breaks have made it so much easier for me to do the work I do! They make it easier for you to find the energy you need to do the things that you enjoy! I bet you never thought that you would learn to slow down or to appreciate the time you spend doing nothing! No thinking or organising or worrying! Time to just be or wonder or sleep!
I am grateful that you make time for us to experience and enjoy nature. Learning to just be present has enabled me to conserve and redirect energy to other areas. The overthinking and worrying that dominated our days before has quietened down! And now we can use our precious energy to live life and enjoy life! We can be one when we are in nature as we look at the sky or the trees! We are in harmony when we listen to the waves or look out on the horizon! And it feels great doesn’t it? These moments are precious and are what makes life worth living! We will have plenty more of these wonderful moments together!
I know that you still feel that you are not doing enough and that you could do more! I know that you are still not entirely comfortable with this whole new way of being. I know that maybe you still find it hard to trust me when it comes to the food side of things! But I want you to know that you Can trust me all you have to do is keep doing what you are doing and the trust will follow! I know that you feel a little lost and wonder if you are getting it “right”! I know that you also sometimes wish that you didn’t have ED or that you didn’t treat me this way! But I want you to know that I don’t blame you! I appreciate all you are doing to change now!
But I also want you to know that I have faith in you and that you can be proud of all of the changes you have made so far! We will continue to work together so that we will one day be completely free! That one day we will be fully connected you and me!
What would I like to say to my body?
Thank you for keeping me safe and for continuing to function and do all the important jobs that you do to keep me alive! Thank you to you for all that you do and for continuing to speak to me even after all I have done to you!
Thank you for being patient with me! I have been practicing and learning over the past while. Practicing nourishing you and listening to you and answering you! I have been learning how to do these things as no matter how crazy it may sound I somehow seemed to have forgotten what to do along the way! But I am determined to find my way again and to connect with you completely. I have quietened down the brain and simplified a lot. I have managed to learn how to be present and how to enjoy nature with you! I have experienced the most wonderful and special free moments with you! Moments where it felt so amazing to just be in this world just the two of us! We needed nobody or nothing else! I look forward to sharing more wonderfully free moments with you in the future!
I am getting a little bit more familiar with knowing what helps you feel at ease! I have learned that you love the sky and the trees and the flowers! You like to walk slowly and you like to rest! But at other times you like to dance or jump or run! You like to feel full and you like to feel relaxed! You love the beach and the stars and hugs and cuddles! You love to feel joy and peace and contentment! You like to sleep and sit and you love it when I breathe deeply or take a pause! So I’ll continue to do all of these for you!
I have also learned about some of the things you are not too fond of! Like when I worry or overthink or supress my emotions! I know that when I let the anger take over you get stressed and tense! Negative thinking and self-judgement and self-doubt make you feel heavy! And when I crouch my shoulders and forget to hold my head high you are definitely not too impressed! You are not at ease if I let the fear take over or when I do not give you food!
There are many things I have not learned how to do to protect you yet! I have not learned to trust you but I am practicing this! And I am practicing believing in my abilities to do this! I am practicing learning to truly appreciate you and everything you do! I have hope, that one day, I will fully nourish you and give you all that you deserve and that we will be able to go about the rest of our life as best friends that love each other and care for each other each and every moment of our days! And together we will fully take our place in this wonderful world. And reach our potential together! We will laugh! We will feel light and we will be free!
Lots of love,
What does this bring up for me?
Well right now as I sit here, the first thing I am realising is that, despite my lack of enthusiasm for even reading the workbook, I am actually very happy that I did choose to spend a bit of time on it! I think completing this exercise has helped me to see more clearly that although it doesn’t always feel like I have done enough to melt the behaviours and the fears in relation to food and the body, I can see that I have made progress. I see that I have started to listen to my body and I have started to repair the disconnection between my body and my mind. I was reminded about the times that I have felt connected to my body! True connection! I think it has helped me to see that instead of looking at all the things I have not learned or mastered yet that maybe it would be wiser to give myself credit for all of the things I have done. And it has reminded me that if I continue to work on my recovery that one day I will feel connected and therefore I will be free from ED. I will appreciate my body and that I will have trust in it too! So I suppose you could say it has given me hope!
One last thing before I go…..I have just remembered that I wrote a letter to my body a few months ago! It was a poem and I remember how difficult and emotional and uncomfortable it was to write. I have not read it since but I decided to find it again today and remind myself of what I wrote!
When I read over my first letter/poem to my body I can feel the anger and the confusion that I felt. I notice the guilt and pain behind the words and between the lines. I can feel the self-blame and self-judgement oozing out of it! But today as I read my letters, the old and the new, I notice that the words are softer this time and that there is gentleness. I notice that the relationship is more friendly and kind! There seems to be a greater understanding between my body and I and the anger and the blame has melted!
And as I sit here now, I feel glad that I took the time to write these words. And that I took the time to face the challenging emotions and thoughts that came up. But above all, I am proud of me for not giving up on it all! I am proud of the progress I have made and I am proud of the deeper connection I have begun to make with my body! And I feel hope that one day we will be one….my body and I!
Ps. Maybe you are a bit like me and maybe you seem to have an aversion to exploring the topic of “Your Body” but may I ask you to maybe consider giving it a try?!! I really feel, despite how challenging it was, that the day I wrote my first letter to my body was the day I began to truly understand what this whole body-mind connection thing really meant! It helped me to open up the communication between the two of us and it began the process of reconnection! Which now I believe is necessary to free myself from ED!