Written by Fern
I wanted to share one or two things about what I learned this week about myself, about life:
I have denied my past, I didn’t feel proud of my past, I didn’t think I could be proud, I felt like “what have I achieved”. But the reality is that denying it is keeping me disconnected. So here goes, I am learning to be proud of the journey I have undertaken. I am recovering from emotional distress for years, its robbed me of years of self-worth, belief, money, experiences, people away from me, BUT….. my path is different, I look back now and I did my best with what I had at that time. I remained in treatment, I didn’t give up. I do believe that recovery is attainable and can be quicker for people. I just had a rough ride and the root of it all is the deep rooted feeling “I am not worthy” and a strong and stubborn self-harming mind. Anyway, I hadn’t fully realised I was denying my past, ignoring it and that its important to acknowledge it. Thing is no one knows my past really, no one knows the real me. I have shared no part of my life with anyone because of shame, peoples misconceptions etc, I spend years living a life I cant explain to anyone because I don’t understand myself. I cant say to people where I have been. I disconnected myself away from my past but I need to stand tall and acknowledge it now. Yes I fought for lets say a while BUT I never gave up, I am strong, I am determined and although the journey was questionable I also had some good times, I held down a life and its important to see that. I have achieved a lot, I have overcome a lot and I need to be proud of myself and value that. It is a lonely place to not share a huge part of your life but the time is not right now and I am ok with that, I just need at the moment to share it with myself and get some support through therapy to fine comb a few things and further help me to strengthen my belief in myself.
Maybe my life isn’t all excitement, travel, love, relationships etc like I perceive others are or “I should have” And this doesn’t make me any less. That does not mean I have failed. Maybe I like the simple things in life, maybe my life journey is different and nature is a huge part of me. I have good things in my life, I don’t deny them but I need to magnify more and accept. And I need to start to dream, to make goals. I haven’t dreamed or made goals because of fear of disappointment again, failure etc etc. I couldn’t see a dream. But its important for me now to start. You can still have a simple life and dream.
And there are some feelings that I want less of and more I want more off. I know that I feel a lot deeper than most people I know. I never really understood what that meant early on in my recovery but over the last few years I do. Grief I feel it so much stronger, loneliness, worry etc… It’s a comfort to know that actually because it also means I feel happiness, fun, deeper. And I do know that all feelings pass, the intensity of some are intense but I do trust they come and go. And its my choice what I want to give more attention to. In work I never entertain the idea of fear because it does not serve me. No matter what I think I say to myself every day “Today is a good day”.
Fern
