Written by Yvonne
Who am I?
The ‘who am I?’ question is one of the fundamentals of freeing ourselves in Recovery. For me, discovering that this was so pivotal in the journey towards freedom was both comforting and disconcerting at the same time.
I remember really connecting to the idea of learning about myself, feeling my lack of identity to be so prevalent and painful, but also hating it being brought up because I hadn’t a clue how to answer.
Every time it arose, it’d irritate the condition, but that’d serve to chip away at it too. What frustrates the condition fuels our own exploration; it opens up a challenge to its ironclad identity and introduces the individual person that we truly are instead.
Initially of course, there were certain ‘go-to’s I had ready to list off in a session hoping that they’d sound good, but with time I learned to bridge those into what really feels good and holds true.
It’s a big question and it can be so head wrecking, but I genuinely consider it to be an absolute privilege to pursue. The more I asked, the more I learned. Who am I? What do I like doing? What are my values? What do I think about this or that? What do I want to do? What do I find attractive or appealing? What qualities do I possess?
Bit by bit the pieces of me came back together and now they are so whole, so solid and so very much mine. I have the joy of being who I am, the pleasure of realising what I really love, the satisfaction of doing what I actually enjoy.
And with that comes a continuous nurturing of these things, appreciating their importance in my life and my experience. Even just recently, I realised again how much I love being active – when no terms or conditions apply. I love getting out for a walk, climbing a hill and feeling my muscles move. I love the accomplishment and energy flow and connection to my body. It feels good for me, in body and soul.
Condition can try to obscure our idea of movement and confuse our relationship with it, but recovery restores our real feelings and experiences. Recovery reintroduces us to life with fresh eyes, free eyes, eyes that look out with hope, love and our own interests in clear vision.
The journey of self discovery is one I’d wholeheartedly recommend. Yeah it’s not always fun or easy, but realistically, if we don’t know ourselves, how can we give ourselves what we need? How can we have fun or even speak up about what we want?
Without self knowledge, we’re left scrabbling for something to sit right and give us some sense of identity. Condition will attempt to fill that gap, but it will never provide actual fulfilment.
So, I’d advocate filling it instead with the beautiful mix of everything that makes you, you. Embrace the challenge of answering that question. Be led by your real feelings, your instincts, that which calls out to you. Meet that question with the curiosity to get your hands on your answer. From my experience doing so is the gift that keeps on giving 🙂