Written by Fern
I bought a vision board today which I put beside my kitchen table where I sit every morning. The top half is a whiteboard so I wrote quotes that were apt for me today and I can change theses on a needs basis. I read them aloud today. On the lower part of the board is a pin board and I put up affirmations from Louise Hay cards that are applicable to me today but my plan is to gather words/pictures, anything that feels right for my future to aim for. At this point I find it difficult to make goals as I can’t see beyond today for goals and aims, it’s a blank cloud/fog screen. I don’t really see goals YET. Actually in honesty, some I do see but I am afraid to say them for fear of not coming true, or trusting I can have them too, I guess it will just take me a little time to trust this and I know now a lot can change even in a day. And I realized today it’s better to see some cloud and fog because fog always lifts, so it’s exciting. I need and want aims and goals otherwise each day becomes the next, and it makes me feel I can strive for life and be part of it. I think I have felt goals “should” be big tasks like saving the world but now I see goals can be small steps for example one goal I put up is to buy art supplies this week and actually I did that today.
I also did something today which I haven’t done before. I spent some time with my sister in law and I shared with her some of my current journey as I can sense a safety from her and a non-judgement. I knew she would not question me as she is on a similar healing journey. It felt nice to be able to spiritually speak to someone. I realized in talking to her how alone I feel in my recovery as it’s a huge part of my life that I am hiding from the world. I have overcome a lot and yet I say this but I cant see it but I want to because I feel I need to acknowledge and be proud of myself but its not there quiet yet. To share a little with her without feeling stupid, embarrassed, sick was empowering. I told her today that I have begun a journey towards healing and I shared with her where and that I have been already but not anyone knows at the moment in particular my own family. I need to do this for me right now without any body jumping to conclusions or judging me or owning me. I will share my healing with the right person and my sister in law I know is safe. I am lucky I know not everyone can share. It was a big step for me to tell her I am getting support to move forward in my life.
In two days I have changed things, my thinking, small little changes but actually they are big and add up. I felt empowered today, I realised that I didn’t need my sister in laws approval or encouragement, I just wanted to say “Look at me I am brave and courageous because I choose to strive for a better life and get to know me, I have and am overcoming issues and I am proud of this, its strength and better than any degree”. Slowly I am writing more, I am writing gratitude and last night I pulled out all my old material from recovery and started to do some of the exercises one in particular about self-awareness questions. What I got from it was, it made me stop and think and ask myself the questions like “What is my favourite day, why?, What do you like about yourself”. Some answers came easy others again the fog was there. But it made me ask the question. It hurt a little that I thought I knew me when in fact I know very little. And most of all it was a challenge to see the good points of myself, not because I know I am not good but because I cant see them, I don’t trust them. But I figure with time, repetition and believe I will. By doing all these little steps its gonna make difference. Even in two days I can see little things no one else can and that for me is enough for now.