Self Belief


Written by Fern

I’m currently sat in my back room feet up, coffee in hand over looking the whole valley and I felt compelled to share with you.  So..

The past few weeks have brought many changes, new things, ideas, feelings, people.  I began a new job and I choose to see all the good aspects about it and so far its going well.  Rather than be worried, fretful etc I embraced the change.  I feel at the moment I am attracting a lot of good in my life as I am focusing on the now, believing and trusting and putting out to the universe what I deserve.  In the past this journey would not have been so gentle.  I am really sensing trust even if there’s an unknown or fear.  I have stopped myself on numerous occasions when in caught that thought and rather let it run away I said STOP, have faith in myself.  I have also met someone and its very early but I feel so different, so not like me but also so natural. I’m trusting him, I’m free, I’m fun, I feel comfortable, excited and I crave affection and want to hug and touch someone which is so new to me that this what I feared is so natural in me.  I feel empowered, I feel womanly. Its such a wonderful feeling and its so early it may not last but for now I am enjoying, trusting and not thinking too much ahead.  I have a vision board I made a month back and really put down what I wanted and meant and believed it and so far so much has come. I have gotten so close to my brother its been amazing.  We bonded over an activity which we do together but its brought us closer. He told me things he never told before and me too.  I really value him.  We both said how our family never talks, never says anything well me and him are. I am sharing my journey and opening up more and he tells me some truths which I find great even if there harsh, there real.  I value his honesty, fun and truth and I feel very comfortable to share. Its really been fantastic and I feel so blessed like this is all I really wanted in life, a family, to feel part and feel love. I love my brother and feel really close to him and his wife now which focusing on recovering has brought me.  Today I did a lot of productive things but I also enjoyed.  I’m making time to take time out, rest my body, nourish my body and soul.  I feel reborn but its also not new.  Finally after so many years I am beginning to feel I deserve more for myself and I’m as worthy. My journey is slow, I feel like I’m on self healing, growth, in my life. I’m evolving and my inner journey is only started.  I see how strong I am, how far my thinking has changed, how deep rooted ED is but I realised I kept it all hidden to myself.  I don’t remember a lot and I can’t explain where or what I went through. It doesn’t matter but I’ve started to believe, to trust and in me posting this its to show me it’s OK to say out loud as I fear saying anything in case it wont last, like I’ll jinks it.  But of course it won’t last, it will grow, evolve, change and I will at times be overwhelmed, sad, scared, unsure and if things change and I’m upset then I am going to trust its just meant to be and its not because I don’t deserve or I can’t have things, its part of life and yes some things work out some don’t just trust and not get disheartened or take too personally.  I have great things in my life and its only gonna get better.  Marino support my current needs as I want to continue to grow and I need that reminder and guidance.  I have spent too many years putting myself down, one day I will show someone else in distress never to give up, your worth much more and be the inspiration and voice.  The world needs more recovery living, inspiration, truth, life. So for now I will trust in myself, life and the higher powers who are looking out for me and say thank you.