Written by Halcyon
So, here I am. 20 years older, but faced with the process of recovery once again. You see, I did really well the first time around, I just never really fully finalised it. I enjoyed the freedom around food; the daily positive affirmations; the freedom (to a certain extent) around my body…. Compared to where I’d come from, this was heaven!!!!!
However, I didn’t finalise it properly. I still had a huge value on thinness, even if I told myself otherwise.
Life – being life – threw a few serious challenges in my way. I took my eye off the ball. I dropped the self-care. I allowed myself fall into the comfy blanket of self-pity and victim hood. I stopped believing in myself. My condition grabbed on with glee – and I embraced it like a child grabbing on its mother after 3 weeks in Irish college :p
So now, in my 40s, with a child, the need to recover has never been more urgent. If I don’t do it now, the fallout is I will damage my baby. Recovery is never just about us. Those who we love will also suffer. I know it’s hard to see this when we’re in the middle of this battle. We often believe those around us would be better off if we were gone. In all honesty, the condition tells me my little baby would be better off if I was gone. If you’re reading this now, no matter how good or ‘bad’ your parents were/are, do you honestly think you would have been better off if your mum had killed herself??? My condition has me believing my baby would be better off if I died. Every day it tells me that. That’s how powerful this condition is, and it can give me and hundred and one reasons why my child would be better off without me. So, every word your condition is telling you about yourself is about as believable as mine telling me my child would be better off if I was dead. The bond between a mum and their child is the strongest in the world. Mothers have achieved the unachievable in order to save or protect their kids. The condition is so strong that it overrides this very basic human response. Does it not show you how powerful the condition is and what a DISGUSTING LIAR it is?????
I am aware that there are those of you who are in recovery and are parents. Please be so proud of yourself working on yourself. Sometimes I feel guilty, but I know that guilt is a luxury I cannot afford. I will learn and move on. I will be free one day, I know it will worth it and I can do it!