Written by Linda
When you are on the journey to full freedom you slowly start to come out of the depts. of condition thinking and get to know who you really are again, separating green (positive) and red (negative)thoughts. You also begin to experience more present moments, which is hands down the best feelings in the world. J
In condition I was soooo restless all the time, never satisfied with the here and now and always on the go wanting to be somewhere else. When you start to rest a busy mind and become present it is just a life changing experience. That in itself has made me keep going with my recovery.
You begin slowly to support yourself in your decisions and trust yourself. Trust with recovery can be extremely challenging at times. I remember the first time I noticed changes to my body, I felt like I had lost my left arm and was so low in myself , riddled in guilt. I felt I had been let down and lied too. Buttt I had to keep the trust and listen to what I was being told to do. As time passed it got a bit easier especially when learning body mind connection’s again and hunger signals.
NOOOO matter what never lose that trust I’m glad I didn’t .
That day was a real turning point for me that I could either slip back into old destructive condition thinking or keep pushing towards FULL freedom.
Since I arrived in MTC I repeatedly told myself daily that there is no option of NOT recovering. I have invested too much of my life to this illness. The more present moments and nourished I was becoming, it helped me to shine a light on my condition thinking and separating them out into are these MY thoughts or CONDITIONS thoughts, this got me curious and kept me going with the uphill battle.
Recovery is very like an uphill REALLY bumpy mountain, that you have to tackle each and every day. But I honestly wouldn’t change it or go back for anything and these are some of the reasons why:
“Your health is your wealth” without it you are restricted in so many ways, a bit like barriers. Health is something only you have the power to control. Which hands up, I have done a lot of the opposite to what would have been seen as damaging to my body. Your body is such an amazing instrument that it isn’t too late to reverse the damage. No manual comes with condition behaviours on the damage you are doing to yourself. They are very muddled, nonsense stories you have convinced yourself to be true. BUT you do get a second chance to reverse the damage and treat it with the respect it deserves. A lot easier said than done trust me I have a lot to work on in this area too, but baby steps and the right attitude, surely is better than the destructive thoughts, starved malnourished bodies we are dragging around.
I wrote out a list of dreams that I want to accomplish, but do not want to take condition along with me. This list is far more exciting and adventurous then condition would have ever allowed. It doesn’t deserve to take up anymore space in my life experiences and memories.
“You only get ONE life” I have had a few realisations lately about my life and the future me. I was asked what happiness means to me ? I was blown away by this question and irritated that I couldn’t answer is. It played on my mind for a few days trying to come up with answers and they were all very much materialistic, which is just “things “ at the end of the day that you think will bring you happiness. Well in fact the answer is inside you. Happiness comes from within, once we accept and are content within ourselves we will never need to have these “things” in order to make us happy. Yes, we can have them but they wouldn’t change our mood have the mind-set that when I am “skinny, successful, intelligent etc etc etc I will be happy. I feel very lucky to be learning this tool now and not later on down the line.
Condition likes to think it knows what is best for you. When really the only person who knows is YOU. When you begin to change in your mind and body it is like you are in limbo, you have to work on accepting the unique you and letting go of all condition’s opinions and validations that it has made up about you or made you thing you are. I felt that when my body changed you feel you are not worthy of being in recovery anymore, I felt I was taking up space that someone else might need, I was FINE , but in reality this is just a period where you are having a lot more of your own thoughts and starting to not put condition thoughts into practise anymore. I soon realised this was condition thinking not mine. I have a right to be there just as much as the next person. Recovery is an opportunity to live a full life filled with present moments, full health, support/happiness and trust within yourself, all the life tools for now and the future. To me this is an opportunity I want to get more curious about and the more I do and the more I move up that bumpy mountain. Without condition thinking so many opportunities and adventures come into your life that I myself would have been blind to before.
We are all in this together, so let’s keep trusting the process and see what happens, because the realisations and free moments I have witnessed definitely outweighs conditions way of life J