Written by Freedom Fighter and Starlight
The group on attractiveness was interesting to me the other night. From people’s sharings one massive theme emerged as far as I could see. And that was theres a conflict between what people said they believed was attractive and what they really felt was attractive. It was the conflict between logic and emotion. There was a TED talk on this exact subject I saw a while back and the basic message was that even though you know logically that an image you see on Instagram has been photoshopped and filtered to the point that it no longer resembles a human being, people still buy it. That their emotions override their minds. Something hijacks intelligent rational people and tells them they’re not good enough. That their looks and clothes = their value and if you dont look a certain way then you’re just not up to scratch. I was listening to the course in miracles which consists of 365 lessons, one lesson per day for a year. One lesson was, You come from greatness and if you come from greatness this means you are great. And I think people dont know their own greatness.
I remember the first time I went to group, it was summer and one girl spoke about feeling self conscious about her body and looks, something to do with wearing shorts in hot weather. I was flabbergasted. She was beautiful and I just couldn’t see what the hell she was feeling self conscious about. Others said the same thing and I left there that night thinking, this is nuts, if only they could see what I see……….and it was the same the other night in group, a lot of people just had a myopia when it came to themselves. And thats a tragedy. Its also a big fat lie. If you come from greatness and you are great, then the lie is that you’re not attractive. But this is the toxic lie that runs through a lot of life. I dont know where it came from or when it started, but its horrible that a society seems to believe is true. Its not though.
Attractiveness can never be understood. Trying to be attractive is to try to control something you cant control. Or to manipulate people into liking or loving you just by virtue of something you wear or the shape of your body. But thats an illusion, we have no control over how people find us attractive. All you can do is be who you are and do whatever you want in life. Assume you are already attractive. Look at children. They don’t question their attractiveness. They just do what they feel. They’ll whip their clothes off and parade around in their birthdays suits not giving a s… about who thinks what. But at some point that lie takes hold of most people and they start to question their own beauty. They try to “fix” something that was never broken in the first place. Its sad really. The amount of celebrities that have completely warped and destroyed their own bodies with cosmetic procedures is tragic. Because they bought into a lie. I cant remember who said this, but feelings never lie………….they just tell you stories that aren’t true. And I think what that means is, the thought that you’re unattractive is a lie but that lie comes from a feeling and that feeling comes from a wound that was inflicted upon you as a child. Maybe some people were shamed for taking their clothes off or were told something negative about their body. I know when I was about 12 my sister kindly told me I was fat. I wasn’t, but I believed the lie. It was her own perception of how she saw her body and that in turn was given to her by some girls in her class. Its like a disease that spreads. We need to stop spreading that disease.
We should be like kids and stop buying into lies because Hand on heart, you are all beautiful. But you’re the only ones who don’t see it.
Written by Starlight
Last night we had a really great class on attractiveness. It is kind of a confusing topic because everyone is attracted to different people physically – we’re only human. Everyone finds different characteristics and physical features attractive, and for me this can be a bit confusing because I don’t want to judge anyone by how they look but at the end of the day I’m only human and there’s no shame in finding some people more attractive than others.
It was such an interesting class with lots of different ideas popping up so I’ll try and do it justice by writing some of the points.
* We have learned that we don’t need to prove our attractiveness to anyone, it’s something you hold in yourself and it’s connected with self-worth. I notice sometimes that I always need approval on how I look before I go somewhere so it highlighted for me something I would like to work on.
* When you are in the depths of condition you don’t want to be attractive and want to look as bad as you can. We use it as a form of communication because we can’t communicate how we feel (yet). I could totally relate to this point, I wanted to remain looking sick and unwell and I wanted my hair to look so thin and frizzy- because I wanted people to know I wasn’t well and things weren’t great. And I remember when people started saying I looked better and I looked healthy I panicked because I feared people would stop caring for me! But it’s actually the complete opposite because as you grow in recovery you connect more with people and allow more people to care for you but more as a friendship and not in a sufferer and carer relationship.
* The topic of femininity and masculinity being attractive was brought up and I really loved listening to people talk about this. Wearing clothes that express your gender, putting on a necklace and earrings, and little bracelets and leaving your hair down expresses being a woman. I personally love wearing kimonos and letting them float and wrapped around me and putting on a few bangles so I can hear them jingle when I walk. – And I never realised just how important these little actions are. When you wake up in the morning and get dressed and decide to put on that necklace it’s an expression of your own individual style and of being a women and embracing the little accessories that go with this! It brings energy with it, energy of feeling proud to be a woman and wanting to communicate that. – That is attractive!
* What we find attractive and who we find attractive can change. When you first meet someone and they’re obviously very visually pleasing (lol), you can feel the attraction but then if you get to know them and their values don’t line up with yours their attractiveness can fade. Because attraction although it’s very much the physical at the start, it’s not everything.
* We shared what we find attractive and some of the things brought up was: When someone walks into a room and automatically makes it brighter. Sense of humour. People walking the talk. Kindness and gentleness. Doing something sweet for another person. Someone who knows and stands by their values and opinions!
* We all want to feel attractive and its ok to legalise getting your nails done, doing your hair, getting a massage, putting on make-up and leave your hair down! If it makes you feel attractive and you are doing it for you and not for what you think others find attractive than that’s a step in self-care, self-worth and deserveability. Because we all deserve to feel beautiful and attractive in our own skins.
* We learned about integrity, I didn’t actually understand this word but someone explained it as ‘what you do when no one else is watching’. And I suppose it kind of ties in with the point above because it includes taking care of yourself and doing nice things for yourself that make you feel good even when you’re not going to see anyone or plan on staying in the house all day.
There were so many more amazing points but they’re the main ones a can remember J
The last question asked at group was: ‘How can I apply attractiveness into our recovery?’