Shield

My Shield

 

Written by Olly 

I started my recovery journey with MTC after some unsuccessful attempts to recover from ED, both going it alone and from other sources of help.
I’m close to my one year anniversary mark and see myself veering from middle to later stages. It’s a challenge, toing and  froing  from one stage to the other and to keep my recovery steps, going forward and not back.

After group a few Saturdays ago my boyfriend and I were discussing events from the past week . In particular, we were talking about my difficult mother and family dramas . She is what you would call a character with both a good and bad side to her – Good mom bad mom. This has come with confusing side effects . From childhood and to the  present day, there are ups and downs in my family ( like most I’m sure ). I could write a completely separate post on my journey in dealing with this and my mothers relationship and the knock on effects it has had, but it brings me onto the crunch line of my story.

I was worried that I would inherit her mood swings and irrational behaviour , as I learned a lot from seeing her interact with the world and people around her. Maybe she would  always have a negative influence on me and my life- but alas a golden realisation : this is not true.   As we ( me and my boyfriend ) continued with our chat , without thinking I uttered ” I’m so glad how I turned out”.
Going by his reaction I realised the recovery breakthrough I had just made. Although I have inherited parts of my mother,  I am not her. I can chose to embrace the good parts of her that I see in myself and chose to combat the conditioned parts of her that I don’t want to inherit.

I can choose , I can choose , I can choose.
I have the power to be who I want, act how I want, think how I want. The list is endless. Whatever person I want to be then I can be and that is: embracing and living a free me. Im beginning to see the real and free me and I like It.
I like how I have “turned out”!
In order to continue my journey and keep the momento going, I have  to take action in every day life to achieve this.

I asked my boyfriend how does he live so freely? He is consistently happy, balanced and the freest person I know.
His answer was: he protects his happiness. What a great little sentence of explanation- I’ll take that!
I use this now as my main affirmation and guide. I see that protecting my happiness is a responsibility to freedom. This protection encompasses some elements – almost like a shield  and the shield  comprises of the following elements :

Values – my compass  in life. The list is endless, from compassion to realness to respect.

Balance –  with my time, relationships,  career , hobbies, food and accepting humanity.

Simplicity – live in the present moment and remembering the “full stop”

Senses – this has helped me with the difficult task of mind and body connection.
Our senses are a gift I never realised and sometimes took for granted . Our senses are the purest gift we have in this life and I’m embracing them.

Love not fear – My greatest challenge is combating fear and  ignoring the negative red thought stories . Lack of self worth causes  fear and fear festers in many areas of my  life  : food, weight, relationships but strongest in the area  I feel most vulnerable – work. I try not to see the profession I chose as the problem but my thinking attached to it.
Instead of negative stories of not coping and inadequacy, I Stand tall, try my best and realise that I am competent in my job. I would like to think that I am able for anything that comes my way and I will cope.
Thinking of this fear  brings me back to my younger 10 year old self and being terrified of my horrid teacher who was shouting at me because I couldn’t figure out a maths question. That year is a year I like to forget , however as a 10 year old I coped. She made me cry but I still coped .

So to conclude, these elements make up my shield and it’s the protector of my happiness. I think of my shield and use it in my everyday living … to keep on my journey  and continue towards becoming the real and free me.

Olly x