Recovered

My List: How My Life Has Changed Since I Recovered

 

Written by Classmate

I’m submitting this list for a few reasons. The first is that there is an amazing post currently on the website which lists what you’ll gain from recovery. http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/will-i-gain-recovery/  I want to acknowledge this, and say that it is spot on. Great post!!! It’s all very much a realistic list of what recovery will bring. It really got me thinking, and I decided to write my own list. Thank you to whoever you are!

Another reason I want to submit this list is that I was recently asked how my life has changed since I recovered. I struggled to answer that question because it has changed so much that I barely even recognise my old life. Of course I remember a lot of the ED (how could I forget lol), but it seems far far away now. I kept trying to put it into words, but I felt like I just couldn’t do “recovery” justice. So I have been reflecting on it, and would like to share with you what has changed for me. I am able to access more if I type than when I speak. I’m sure by reading this list it is hard to imagine I ever had an ED, but I can assure you I did. And it was suitably miserable in both its severity and its chronicity. Never ever ever ever lose hope. Recovery can be reality for you too!

I was also recently asked why I decided to recover. I suppose that’s a complicated question, and there were many reasons. But my main reason for choosing to recover was because I came to MTC and saw some recovered people in group. I couldn’t believe my eyes. They existed! They were real. They weren’t perfect, but they were free. I couldn’t un-learn what I learned that first day. I couldn’t un-learn that recovery existed. 

And so I come to group as much for other sufferers as I do for myself these days. I want to be an example of a recovered person. I suppose I feel a deep sense of gratitude to the people who recovered before me and inspired me to start this journey. I’m glad they stuck around for a while before skipping off into the sunset. Everyone thinks they’re the special snowflake of recovery, but there is no such thing. If I can do it, so can you. There are so many recovered people in groups these days, whether they announce themselves or not. Take solace in that. Take inspiration. Because everyone has started at the beginning. 

The final thing I want to say is that by writing this list for myself I realised that I am much closer to freedom than I had thought. I felt so light writing this list, and felt a buzz from realising my new reality. In the past I have written things that weren’t 100% authentic or self-honest. Obviously we need to fake it till we make it, but for one of the first times ever, this list flowed from me. And I don’t doubt what I’m writing. And I don’t feel like a fraud or an imposter anymore. 

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities of life. There’s so much out there now that I want to see and do and experience. There’s so much living I want to do that I feel disappointed that I won’t live forever. If I could go back in time I would recover sooner. I would stop waiting around to feel ready, because ready never comes. I would do what was suggested the first time it was suggested. I would spend less time doubting the suggestions I was given. Recovery has made everything better and I have no regrets. I am so close to freedom I can smell it. :):):)

One of my favourite quotes is one by C.S. Lewis- “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…”. Well ain’t that the truth! 

How my life has changed since I recovered: 

-I see life as a gift. I want to be here. I want to live. 

-I want to face every single day, even the difficult days. 

-I want to face the world. I want to face people. I want to face my fears. 

-I have thrown out my rule book.

-I see opportunities instead of problems. 

-I see solutions instead of obstacles. 

-I speak with words that make me feel good. 

-I take care of myself. 

-I look after my body. 

-I keep myself safe. From many things.

-I feed myself nourishing foods. 

-I lift my own spirits if I’m sad. 

-I go to bed early if I’m tired. 

-Guilt doesn’t exist. 

-Shoulds are a scarcity. 

-I enjoy the little things. 

-I support myself when things aren’t going my way. 

-I reassure myself when I’m scared or facing the unknown. 

-I remind myself that I am not the centre of the universe, and nobody is watching my every move. 

-I don’t have to be the best. 

-I take part. I show up. I don’t avoid. 

-I celebrate my little victories. 

-I dream. 

-I don’t have to be a good girl.

-I don’t have to people please to be liked.

-I know I have talents.

-I know I have skills.

-I know I am not useless.

-I am gentle with myself. 

-I simplify as best as I can. 

-I know I don’t have to be perfect. 

-I give myself choices. 

-I know I am good at my job. 

-I am much less self-centred.

-I feel good in my body. I am warm, I have energy, I can think clearly. 

-I am not in pain. Nowhere aches.

-I am excited for free time, instead of terrified. 

-I rest. I recuperate. I don’t push my body around.

-I don’t bully myself.

-I talk to myself in helpful ways.

-I choose books and films that I want to watch. 

-I no longer believe that studying is the only useful way to spend time.

-I wear what I want to wear. 

-Some days I wear makeup. Other days I don’t. I am comfortable either way.

-I am solid in the face of challenges. 

-I try to turn my shames to my prides.

-I acknowledge what I need to work on. 

-I don’t run from my problems.

-I am committed and determined, and I own that.

-I am honest.

-I am direct. 

-I ask for what I want. I say what I mean. 

-I move because my body wants to, not because I need to earn food or burn anything off.

-I am open, and I am willing. 

-I menstruate every month, and I celebrate it. 

-I don’t put undo pressure on myself. 

-I meet up with friends, and actively seek out companionship.

-I don’t live a life of numbers. 

-I am my own best friend, I am more than happy to spend time alone.

-I need to spend time alone to recharge, and I honour that.

-I give myself second chances. And I give other people second chances too.

-I respect myself.

-I respect my body, my relationships, my mind, my life.

-I respect my sensitivity. I work with it. 

-I don’t get caught up in the little details, I see the bigger picture now. 

-I feel alive.

-I have feelings. 

-I cry… a lot. 

-I rarely compare, her success is not my failure.

-I slow down. I give myself more time. 

-A clean house is the sign of a dull woman, and I am not a dull woman 😉

-I inspire others to fight for themselves and their freedom. I don’t promote sickness.

-I say yes more. I say no more. I don’t sit on the fence. 

-I seek out joy.

-I don’t put up with people treating my badly. 

-I am not a doormat.

-I teach people how to treat me, by treating myself with respect.

-I regularly buy myself flowers and fill my home with candles. 

-I live in warmth. 

-I buy quality food. 

-I do not do self destructive behaviours.

-I do not weigh my body. 

-I know that I do not need to be perfect to be good enough. 

-Perfectionism no longer rules my life.

-I am ok with being second best. Or last. Even at boggle.

-I do not try to buy other people’s love.

-I am not here to impress other people.

-I have opinions now. And my opinion matters.

-I do not live a double life of secrets and lies.

-I walk the talk. 

-I take responsibility for my life and my choices.

-I believe that I am strong, and courageous. 

-I rarely behave like a victim. 

-I feel like a survivor. 

-I enjoy eating. I enjoy looking after myself.

-My appearance doesn’t dictate my day. 

-What I have eaten has no bearing on my self worth.

-I feel worthy and deserving. Of pretty much everything that life has to offer. 

-I know that not everyone likes me, and I finally accept that. 

-I do not tell myself horror stories. 

-I do not scare myself on purpose. 

-I like buying myself things sometimes. But I do not get my worth from stuff.

-I rarely procrastinate.

-I don’t live in my head.

-Challenges don’t scare me.

-I welcome mistakes, at least I’m trying and doing.

-I am body-mind connected.

-I value health. I do not value sickness.

-I do not take risks with my health or life anymore.

-I realise I can get caught up in overthinking, I redirect myself regularly.

-I spend less time thinking, and more time doing. 

-I realise that the best way to get something done is to start.

-I know I have the power to change my thoughts.

-I know I can change my perspective on whatever I want.

-I know I am the master of my life. 

-I am not a puppet to ED.

-I am not controlled by a condition. 

-I dance to my own tune. 

-I do not give all my money away.

-I have boundaries. 

-I don’t waste too much time on self doubts.

-I am self disciplined in a helpful way.

-I am not scared to speak what I truly think.

-I don’t let people walk all over me. 

-I give people the benefit of the doubt.

-I’ve lowered my expectations. 

-I know that everything comes at a cost.

-I take problems to sessions instead of waiting for someone to notice my problems.

-Everything has a consequence.

-I feed the freedom wolf.

-I prioritise my sleep.

-I am careful where I put my energy.

-I am careful whose company I keep.

-I am open to advice, but I don’t necessarily always follow it.

-I make decisions for myself because I realise that not making a decision is making a decision. 

-I take myself less seriously.

-I am trying to seek out more fun.

-If I don’t like how I’m thinking, I pick new thoughts.

-I strive for integrity every day.

-I let myself change my mind. Even on the really big decisions. 

-I live by my values.

-My life is much less dramatic.

-I have a big life.

-I am emotionally mature.

-I use mirrors for the purposes they were created.

-I look after my needs, in a direct manner.

-I can look myself in the eye.

-I can say my name with pride.

-I have found a balance between chaos and order. 

-I have found a balance between spontaneity and planning. 

-I have found a balance between too much and too little. 

-I acknowledge that an ideal world exists, but I live in the real world.

Much love,

Classmate