Last night at group we discussed a lot of topics but as people shared what they wanted to discuss I could see how so many (if not all of them) were intrinsically connected. One of the topics mentioned was ‘feeling ~ thinking ~ behaviours’. M explained how this process works when we are in ED. Now that I can think more clearly I understand the concept a bit better. When in destructive mode, all I can see/think of/act on are those seemingly uncontrollable impulses to carry out a behaviour. In the earlier stages, I didn’t think there was any stopping it – nor did I want to stop it (which connects with the topic of fear of letting go of ED). But as time progressed and I worked more on this topic I recognized that the behaviour does come from a thought. These red/negative thoughts then developed into what I believed to be feelings and I acted upon them without consciously challenging them or sometimes without even registering what was going on. I then went from focusing on behaviours to focusing on feelings while still not tackling the thoughts. I still have to remind myself that ‘feeling fat’ isn’t actually a feeling at all. I’m still learning about feelings but from what I’ve learned they happen in the body, they are connected with the senses and can be felt physically. I also got trapped into believing people ‘made’ me feel certain ways but that’s not true – no one can make me feel xyz, it’s my reaction and thoughts to what they say/do that determines that. And if my thoughts are the one thing I have power over then I can choose how I react to things. It’s both liberating and initially daunting the fact that we have the power over our own thoughts (I stress that it’s one’s own thoughts and not others because sometimes ED leads us to believe we can control others’ thoughts/predict their thoughts which we cannot!!). It’s liberating because it made me realize that I can change my thoughts and focus on becoming who I want to be. It’s daunting too though because with this knowledge comes responsibility. I have to be responsible for my own thinking and that’s not always a walk in the park when one can be so used to blaming others… But then it becomes more of a positive than a negative the more positive the thoughts become because now I see that it’s empowering that I am not one of those people who thinks that the world happens to them and that they have no say in what happens in their world when really we can have a say in how our world is if we change how we think about it.
I connect this topic with :
‘subconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, conscious competence, subconscious competence’
which in simple terms is going from auto-pilot destruction to recognizing destruction and not challenging it to recognizing destruction and actively challenging it or else actively thinking positively, and then to automatically thinking self-supportively and respecting your thoughts/feelings.
This theory in turn is connected with self-honesty. In order to progress from one level to another I must consistently act upon self-honesty and not ignore the real me’s thoughts that can recognize the ED choice and the free choice. Toying between the different consciousness’s is actually tiring and only serves to bring about heavy thoughts so there really is no sense to it – it only makes the condition stick around for longer. So this then connects with trust! I need to trust that the process will work out and that the discomfort shall pass in order to keep acting on the self-honesty. Which is connected with self-motivation – if I remind myself why I want freedom then I can make this more exciting than stressful/challenging…
So group really was a collection of topics but in the end they all connected for me. I enjoyed everyone’s sharing and found it very thought-provoking 🙂