Integrity and Recovery


Written by Fern

For me this word feels as if it comes from my soul, my being.  Its what I strive to be every day, integral, true, real.  To be able to stand tall and proud and own my own decisions and choices.  To have true values real for me and live these values, stand for what it is I believe in.  Currently I am in a new phase of my life, an evolving in a greater being, a getting to really want to know me and love me.  I am learning and discovering what my values really are and actually stopping and asking out loud. Little things are coming every day.  I may have different values than society or those people around me and its OK as long as I know I am honest with myself, empowered and they are not harmful.  I value connection to animals and nature probably more that a lot of people I know and part of my own integrity is to stay true to my beliefs that come from my heart that really make me feel grounded, real.  To be integral is to be whole and I ask myself, what makes me feel whole? I am writing daily and discovering. I enjoy this and also I am making it my homework. Part of my integrity is to make a committed decision to want to move forward and more committed is my belief I am worthy enough to.  I don’t want to follow a crowd or accept what pressures the society or condition says. I want to have my own rules from my heart, and not rules but principles, values.  For me I made a commited decision to myself and said I do deserve better and  actively making steps to move on.  I want a better way of life for me, I want freedom, wholeness, growth, compassion, love.  I realised I am in a good place but was stuck no knowing nor believing or trusting there is more.  I am a private person with my emotions and I want to learn to trust them, not fear them and embrace others.  My morals, my standards is like a new concept to me and yet I do have them and to believe in them, live them, stand up for them is integral to me.  The word integrity makes me feel warm, proud, safe because it means my soul knows itself and is constantly evolving.  I feel at the moment that I need to actively work on myself and the Marino is my tool and safe place to support me.  I need motivation, like minded and consistency and commit, follow through and keep my word and look beyond disappointment and know that every feeling comes and goes, not to get disheartened or feel less.  This morning I was surrounded by people who value materialism and academics.  I made a decision to mentally protect myself in a bubble while they spoke and interrogated me.  I realized that their values and mine don’t match.  Yes I do see value in those but it doesn’t define me and for a slight second I felt less and wanted to change my whom value system based on comparison.  So I choose to commit to me, to follow my word, to stick to my values and feel proud and to acknowledge their values that makes them feel integral.  I protected myself in a bubble to prevent me.absorbing or doubting.  I went to the bedroom took out my note book and wrote.  I wrote what I was grateful that morning, what I was so thankful for. I had a big list and it was only 10am.  I wrote what I enjoyed that morning from the fantastic cup of coffee to the power shower.  I choose to see good rather than let other peoples values out rule mine. I then listed my values which I found difficult as I’m just figuring that out.  But I wrote a few things and it made me feel empowered. I stood for what I believe. I value real life, connections, colour. I am painting again and really getting to know my true likes.  So this morning was a silent lesson in integrity, in staying committed, trusting myself rather than get overruled by one person’s opinion. I deserve to feel good enough and getting to know me, actively working on me, nourishing my inner self is what will push me onwards. I value someone who is completely real to their true self even if its not my value. I need to get to know me better and appreciate myself and accept myself. As the quote says ” if you do the same thing over and over you gonna get the same results “. Well, I want different results now.