Written by Ciara
Flying the nest
“Let the moment go… don’t forget it for a moment though” ~Into The Woods, Broadway Musical
When you go to Marino, you have this end goal of full recovery, you put in all of the work, face the fears, repeat the mantras to keep you going along your own unique road of recovery…but what happens when you reach the signpost for the road of actually being fully free?
I was enjoying the recovery journey, I loved all of the learnings and all the groups, the new found ability to use my senses to their fullest potential and how I now really felt like the me that I wanted to be. Then things started feeling a bit different, I could sense that my recovery journey was coming to an end and while that evoked a lot of pride and contentment, it also evoked a lot of fear. A fear of moving on from one chapter in my life to the next. I had learnt so much about who I am, my dreams, my opinions and values in that cozy space above the estate agents in Drumcondra. Could I really just leave that all behind and get on with my life without it?
The thing was though that I wasn’t leaving it behind. Not in any way shape or form. My recovery journey is such a big part of me and subsequently, so is Marino. Yes I was moving on and that was by no means the easiest thing to do but with that simple mantra of
“feeling the fear and doing it anyway” on loop in my mind, I knew that this was a challenge that I could and would be able to complete. I had the memories, the learnings and the knowledge that that white wooden door is always open for me to take a notion and pop into a group or few whenever I want to.
Despite all of this though, when the opportunity came up to do something I enjoyed that would take up my Tuesday evenings and Saturday mornings it felt a lot stranger than I had expected it to. Not bad or difficult but…strange. It was strange having the option to spend these time frames somewhere else other than up in the blue carpeted room of Marino. I mean yeah I always had the option as to whether or not I wanted to go to group or not but it felt like a given after a while, Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings were blocked off and that was that, I liked it that way. Doing something other than sitting in that beautifully scented room where there’d always be a joke about the Irish weather or some insightful story to get me thinking, made the change all that more real I guess.
So this is definitely something that’s going to take some getting used to but that’s absolutely okay. It takes time to adapt to any sort of new thing or to have distance from something that you hold very fondly in your heart. I know that Marino and all of the people and learnings (and candles!) that I associate with it will always bring up fond and happy memories for me.
Groups were times to think things through, to ground myself and pay attention to my senses. They were 3 hours in the week that had a rippling effect of calmness and clarity for much longer than 3 hours spent anywhere else would have given me and I’m extremely grateful for that.
I’m excited to learn new things about myself, to have new experiences and to see what I can do with my life without conditions values holding me back. There will still be fears to overcome, things that will stress me out, situations I’ll be apprehensive of diving into but I have the solidified recovery tools to deal with life’s challenges now. I’m glad that I went to as many groups as I needed to and enjoyed each of them and the uniqueness of each and every one. I’m grateful for my recovery journey and I’m grateful for those challenging moments that seemed like they’d never end when I was in the thick of them (spoiler alert; they always did😉) I’m proud of my journey through recovery and excited for the future. And I’m learning more and more each day to be content with the now in all sorts of situations.
So thank you Marino for guiding me through my recovery, for being nothing short of spectacular and for being there for me to pop in the very first Saturday that the show I’m doing finishes up! 🙂