Written by Classmate
I was walking through town this morning, listening to a Marina and the Diamond’s song, and having a little emotional cry.
I cannot believe how much my life has opened up since I chose to recover.
One of the main tragedies of the ED is that over time we become more and more isolated, physically, mentally, and spiritually. We lose sight of the purpose of life. We lose sight of dreams and opportunities and possibilities. We close doors to the future that need not be closed. We stop seeing what ‘normal’ life is about, and instead normalise our self destruction.
I have realised that there are many free people out there that never needed to go through a recovery. They just see the best in themselves and choose self support over self doubt. These people are everywhere, only I couldn’t see them when I was in the depths of misery with ED.
“Ever since I can remember
Life was like a tipping scale
Like an abacus I played with
Counting every win and fail”
I was so focused on being ‘good’ and ‘the best’ and ‘good enough’. I used to spend my life focusing on my failures, convinced everyone was talking about me and laughing at me. Nobody was! And if they were then they needed to focus on their own lives! I have learned sooooo much the last couple of years because I chose bravery over fear. I chose uncomfortable situations. I put myself in the firing line so that I could learn and grow. And I’m so so glad I did that.
There’s just no point looking back at the past and cringing. There’s no point torturing ourselves over the things we did and didn’t do. Right now it’s October 9th 2016 and we can do whatever we want in life! Why would we choose to stay hidden from the world?!
“I’ve put my money where my mouth is
For the first time in my life
I’ve made mistakes, but I believe that
Everything was worth the fight
‘Cause in the end, the road is long
But only ’cause it makes you strong
It’s filled with peaks and twists and turns
Sometimes you have to learn to forget about it”
I love that verse, hence the tears on my walk home. I am so proud of myself that I stopped talking about becoming recovered and actual went and did it. I too put my money where my mouth is! The payout has been immense!!! All I needed to do was support myself and be a friend to myself. All I needed to do was nourish myself, reassure myself, take rests, get some fresh air, put flowers in vases and listen to uplifting songs… more or less haha. The simplicity of recovery is something I struggled to grasp for so many years. We don’t have to keep researching online for the perfect way, the perfect key to recovery, THE SECRET. There is no secret. Just do what is suggested and take life a little less seriously!
I want to fully forgive myself for just being human. I made mistakes. I did the best I could with the information and knowledge I had at the time. If I could go back I would probably do things a little differently… but at the same time this path lead me to demand freedom from life. So in a way I wouldn’t change a thing.
We all want to be a person of integrity. A person who owns her presence and doesn’t apologise for who she is. A person who walks the talk. But not everyone will recover and that is the hard truth of the matter. I find that the saddest thing of all. So much wasted potential, so much squandered creativity. But imagine everyone just decided they were going to recover? Imagine.
I had to fill out an application form. It asked what am I most proud of. The real answer is that I am most proud of my recovery. Anyone who tells you recovery is easy is a complete LIAR. But it’s simple, AND possible, AND worth it. There were days that I had to re-make the decision to recover a million times because the condition was so strong. But if you can choose recovery for five minutes, you can choose again for another five, and another five, until a whole day has passed. Step by step. Moment by moment.
“Sometimes I think I’m not that strong
But there’s a force that carries me on”
The force that carries me along is determination. It’s my inner tenacity. We all have it if we choose to harness it. Decide you want recovery more than you are afraid of it and you will be amazed at how life opens up. I believe in you.
Marina and the Diamond’s- Forget