Written by Fern
This past week has been difficult emotionally. I feel really fragile, vulnerable; it’s difficult to explain exactly. It’s been a busy week full of work, hobbies, life etc. I am living my life but feeling very raw, very shaky. I realized this week a big FEAR that I have, to be honest if you asked me in the past what FEARS I had I couldn’t say as I never really felt them so strong but this week it’s been really unsettling. My FEAR isn’t food or size, I can’t go into what it is, its irrelevant anyway. What I have been experiencing is shakiness, vulnerability, fright, unsafe, raw, real. I have been sitting with it and letting it ride on and it comes in waves. I went on and read some posts to help me figure out and realize what it is I am experiencing and how I can reframe it. I read a post by Jacquline about FEARS and have written down a False Evidence Appears Real and I know my fear isn’t real yet but God dam I cant shake it. She said something that did help, “if it is likely something bad can happen than it is equally likely something good could happen” and I know this is true. I also know the FEAR is worse than the outcome at most things but this FEAR feels very real. I am not afraid of being out of control, the action itself. I am afraid of the feeling I get strongly of not being enough, or the real fact I will fail or run and sudden panic and out of control emotion. Its terrifying. I have pushed through it and really done my best within my own power and current place to overcome it, push through it, do it. I think this week a lot has been unearthed in me, I feel very alone in myself and scared. I don’t have bad thoughts, I think I hear nothing. I am really feeling unsure and very alone with this feeling. I cried once this week and I realized I haven’t cried in ages. I dont want to be a victim, I don’t want to feel powerless, I don’t want to feel trapped, exposed, afraid. I hate if I feel negative about myself and I realize I don’t feel negative, I don’t feel positive either I feel nothing. This is worse. I am working hard to STOP and say good things, fake it. I say to myself “I can”,”I will”and “its ok”. I looked at my values this week and really asked myself “what are my values/beliefs”. Truth is I can list them but I don’t know what is mine. The only thing I saw was when I asked myself “how are theses preventing me from life”, I could list a few things. That’s not good enough, its not enough to just survive or be someone else, I want to be me. I have become so dependant I need nobody but me this is both a blessing and a curse. But I don’t want this post to be all about me stuck in FEARS because I want to share some of the things I am doing to help ride through.
- I went for a massage as I feel a big drive to mind myself and look after my body.
- I have gotten really strict with taking supplements this week for my bones, oils etc.
- I have taken out my notebook in the evenings and wrote what I am grateful for on that day.
- I have taken long showers.
- I list the good things that could happen.
- I have rewrote my vision board.
- I read some posts
- I posted tonight.
I am not posting here for pity nor scare anyone in recovery. I know FEARS are 9/10 never real and it’s the feeling and the prior rather than the action is the scarest part. Maybe it’s the unknown I fear, the sense of failure and fear my body cant cope with it and I feel very different for this. Last night I sat in my bedroom and very paralysed with a sense of alone, fear. BANG it hit me strong that I felt such a failure in my life and could see no achievements that I am at this point now going no where. I was taken aback by how strong this felt and I did know this was some conditioned thinking attempting to put me down. I stopped myself and said “f it, you can dwell in it and list off all the bad years you missed and all your lack achievements and life or you can choose the path to recovery”. I did not like this overwhelming since of failure and feeling of not being enough. I realized it’s the root of all fears and problems. I am enough, what is enough. I couldn’t at that point list all my good points, despite me sitting with my journal. So I started with listing what I am grateful for, a few simple things that I like. I then chose to read a book because I started to get a bit overwhelmed and I said to myself “Ok, you feel this way at the moment, its temporary and its only there because you are tired, and when your tired negativity is easier to creep in, no point argruing with it, it’s a losing battle so hang that worry on your invisible tree and pick it up tomorrow”. Get some sleep now, your tired, its ok. Everything is better in the morning. Read affirmations and then sleep. Soak yourself with positive messages, books and let that all soak in, tell yourself even if you don’t believe it “I am good enough”. Choose to take a risk on it rather than dwell in how much you don’t have, what does that achieve.
I want to overcome my FEARS, I want to face them, I want to ride them out. I feel very alone with recovery, my past, I need help, guidance, support. I am angry because I cant see my achievements, my good, my work done. Yet I can see so easily what I don’t have. I need to trust and believe in myself more. I want to really truly enjoy my life without limitations. I beg for this, I need this, I need support, I need help. I hate ED, I hate everything it took from me. I am my own best friend, I need to allow to do what I wish no bargaining, no limitations. My life is good but also full of hiding, alone, rules, FEARS, nothing, limits. I want to be free, I don’t see why not.
Power of The Simple Things
“I release myself of all blame and criticism”
“I approach all situations with ease and embrace every experience and opportunity”
“I learn from the past and live in the now looking forward to the future”
“I am supported, loved and safe”
“I am prosperous in mind and body”
“FEAR is like false, I challenge it and embrace it”
“I am fulfilled”
“I am enough, I deserve good things”
“I am free”
“I am brave, strong”
“I am wonder woman”
“I chose a path to freedom and self love”
“I am worth while”
These are just some of the affirmations I have been reading, writing and repeating over the last few days. Tonight I have read my vision/motivation board again which is on my wall in my kitchen that I look at every day. O changed it every day the last few and I’m starting to get more specific. I’m forcing myself to take a risk, believe. Everything I wrote about myself from values, to goals, to wants, needs are always very vague without being specific and I realized tonight its because I don’t feel I will ever have or deserve. It’s difficult for me to be specific because I don’t even know what I want or what I deserve but I’m faking it. It felt weird to write down a specific goal but I did it even I don’t quiet believe I deserve it. Sod it I wrote it clear and I said “fake till you make it”. What you put out to the universe you get back. I’m writing this post for myself but also to share my current journey. I am lost and I am afraid no matter how real or fake my FEAR is. BUT I’m choosing to focus on aiming ahead, not getting sucked into ” I’m still not enough syndrome ” its hard I admit because a lot of the time I don’t catch myself thinking it but really I am. For me it hurts in my soul that I’m scared I’m not enough. I don’t want to believe that but rather than focus on it I’m chipping away and building myself with little positive affirmations, credit etc. I wrote again tonight what I’m grateful for today which made me appreciate the little things. I feel a wavering since of dread and panic BUT I’m focusing hard to stay ahead by writing my gratitude list and three things I did nice/well today no matter how small. This helps. I wrote again Who Am I Today, just focusing on today and my list was a bit longer than yesterday so that’s good. I do find it difficult to really see myself with strengths. Its not that I see myself weak or without strengths, its that I see my self as nothing and I think that’s worse. I used in the past say harsh things about myself and be so unkind as my mother used to say, ” you may as well beat yourself with a stick, it would be kinder than what you do to yourself”. Now I don’t say harsh things, it hurts to even think that BUT I don’t say good things either. I stay in a place of nothing, existence, never daring to give myself any credit, love or worth. I started slowly again this week and I’m making a mental decision to go gentle, but forward. I know I need help. However I’ve faced some crap already and I’ve coped no matter what I thought at the time. Maybe its that I feel more now so FEAR is scary because I don’t want to let myself down. And when I say let myself down I mean it in a sense of stopping believing in myself or dusting myself off and saying “its OK”. Its not the act of letting down, its the emotion.
Last night while on the phone to my boyfriend we played a game called “Get to know me better”. I actually found it very interesting because it makes you stop and be specific but not think too much. So you all know the game. Basically he asks me questions off the top of his tongue like:
What is your middle name
What is your second name
What colour do you like
What’s your favourite fruit
You get the drift. Its hard to answer without thinking but last night I just said sod it and answered all very quickly even if I doubted after. I was surprised actually how easy I found it and what I liked, so maybe I did know myself after. He was the one who was over thinking it. I learned that I love mornings, the sun, blue, paranormal, wonder woman, hens, coffee, etc. Its just a simple thing but I got a lot out of it as it made me stop and get to know me.
So for today I say ” I am enough as I am at this moment”. God as I type it my mind is pulling dread and panic and trying to tell me all the regrets, all I didn’t do and “should” have and how insignificant my life is. Isn’t that awful I could think or believe those words and discredit all my good work. Well sod it I will say “I’m more than enough just as I am, me” and park my thoughts there, get some rest and do it all again tomorrow. Isn’t it funny how difficult it is to believe in good about ourselves but how easy it is to believe in less. Now that’s bull. How can that make sense. If I choose to believe in less I’m calling myself/soul a liar and if I choose to believe in good I’m calling distorted condition a liar. I think I know who I’d rather trust. Myself or a fake conditioned thought that never loved, supported or believed in me.
OK this is defiantly the finale
“I am more that enough, and I am safe”