Reflections on Recovery

Written by Tiger-lily

I read the post about “7 months on” and reflected on my own journey. I think the post is a testament to how recovery can be made faster. Without judging myself, I know my recovery has taken quite some time and that is in part due to my own procrastination. It’s only been in the last few months that I’ve truly been applying myself and putting my own belief into the process instead of just showing up. I see the difference now between just showing up and actually being there. Showing up is important initially but if you want to speed it up I think a key component is putting heart into it. I go to group now and I want to be there, I want to be genuine and not just try to “impress” either M or other people’s conditions. I really learn from people in all stages! I value my life now and want to be more than one with a small, closed life. I’ve been clearing out in my house since I finished college and I decided to look at a journal I kept at the very start of my recovery. It’s amazing (and kind of funny) how much 1. That I have progressed and 2. That the lessons were the same but I just didn’t understand or believe them. I’ve been told that repetition is helpful and at first I didn’t get that. How would I ever be able to do all the things “normal people” do? But repetition actually works, because that repetition then becomes subconscious and a part of daily living. Some things need more repetition and reassurance than others but it’s worth it and needs to be highlighted, not minimised or undermined by intellect! Sure how do we study but by repeating? Recovery really is like studying but the rewards much more satisfying. I’m really enjoying life. I’m actively slowing down and appreciating ordinary days. #justtrust
We did a group recently about moving forward. I felt a bit stuck recently but realised to move on I need to keep pushing out of my comfort zone.  I recently went to a friends house down the country. I’ve never done anything like that before – perfect opportunity to push myself a little! Initially I made a deal about going but then I asked myself is it really that big of a drama? When I was honest I realised it wasn’t, it was just that auto pilot “this is a challenge” BS belief again. I find that’s really useful to ask, is this really an issue? Because usually it’s not.. anyway! Going showed me how other families live. For a long time I was caught up in my own family and it’s dysfunction that I forgot that there’s another way to live. And that other people are actually free and live freely, daily. Her mam made us a dinner and when we sat down, they had music in the background, fancy napkins and candles lit. Exactly like is suggested to do in recovery but this was in “real life” – people actually like to do this too. Dinner is a social occasion and a time to connect, it’s not just about what’s on who’s plate. I’ve known this for a little while now but seeing it this way just really solidified it. Another thing that I often feel challenged about is alcohol but again, it can be enjoyed without negative repercussions. Seeing how they discussed and used their senses trying it stirred me to question my own thoughts about another area I automatically said no to, and didnt consider it a part of condition. But it’s another fear and I don’t like my decisions to be made from fear because they usually limit my life. I’m sure I’m not alone in this fear and I think it’s interesting how certain fears may not seem ED-related but are.. anyway to bring a conclusion to the learning I think I realised how getting out of my own way and trying something new refreshed my recovery and stimulated both deeper understanding and new questions to work on.
To end I thought I’d suggest challenging condition (or else if you have it already, use it more!) and download Spotify. I recently got it after previously denying myself it because it cost money. But it’s so worth it and we are worth it too! I stopped listening to music for a while because I didn’t listen to the “right things” how can music be “right”? But yes, music is so powerful and can change your mood- it’s amazing. The playlists are useful if you’re too indecisive to pick your own and then you can make your own when you want to. I suggest the playlist “Feeling good” – it really does make you feel good! (Plus to sign up now it’s only 99cent for the first three months:)